That Fat Bastard's Warehouse

Ah, happy days. I've started a store.

There's not much in it yet, but it's going great. We've got some apparel. Mostly, it's our Mr. Anderson line, but there are a couple of other pieces as well. More coming soon, I expect.

I've also come up with a line of SpeakEasy Beverages mugs. Fashioned in honor of the good ol' days when everything fun was illegal, and we all broke the law with impunity. I'd like to do a whole line of those, but currently I'm limited to three.

There should be more on the way, including Christmas Cards, more t-shirts, and possibly even a book.

We'll see.

Chip Tricks or Things to Do at Work

Ah, Chip Tricks. We've all seen them on TV. Poker players in the big money game flipping, shuffling, and playing with their stacks of checks like a sorority girl twisting her bottle blonde locks. That's just television. It's hard to take that seriously. Then, one day, you're feeling cocky, sitting across the table from some Joe with two small stacks and he suddenly riffles those two stack of chips together into one big stack it's a shock. It's intimidating. Considering the amount of time it must have taken him to learn to do that, he must have been sitting at poker tables a long time, and, more importantly, he must have had access to stacks and stacks of chips.

That can't be good.

In fact, if you are going to find yourself in that situation at the poker table, it would be best to be the guy doing the chip tricks.

The Finger Roll isn't necessarily the easiest, but it's a good starting place. Using your thumb, push the chip up next to your pointer finger and let it drop. As it falls, use your index finger to catch the falling side and flip it over to the ring finger, and so on. Once you get to the pinky you can flip it into your palm and bring it back up at your thumb, or, more difficult but deeply satisfying, you can reverse direction and start the chip rolling back across the back of your hand. This took me ten months to learn.

Next up is the chip stack shuffle. With two small stacks of chips, I found four each, eight total, was about the right number to start, cage your hand over top and push them together with your index finger and your thumb. Now, using your pointer, lift the inner edges of the stacks and allow them to fall. If you push in just enough with your index finger and thumb, the checks will shuffle together, one after another. This is easier than it sounds once you figure out where to put your fingers. But, then again, what isn't?

The next one I tried is the Chip Flip. This one is pretty easy once you get the trick. You hold three chips in your hand with your first three fingers, like you're just about to ask them to turn to the side and cough. Then use your thumb to pick the outside one up and flip it back over the other two. Rinse. Repeat. Turns out I do this one like a stranger, 'cause I practice it at work all day so I learned to do it in my left hand.

The last one in the lesson for today is the the Center Drop with a Twist. I'm sure there is some far less lame name, but the website is down and I can't find out what it is. It's much easier to learn after mastering the flip. Holding the checks as before, allow the center one to drop out. You end up holding the first and third between your thumb and pointer, and the second between your pointer and ring. Using your index finger, rotated the bottom chip one hundred and eighty degrees. Your pinky should come up to catch it. Then slide it back up into second position.

How many times have you had to say that?

There are more, but I haven't figured out how to do them yet. The last one is easier after the flip, because the flip lines the chips up in such a way that the center drop is simple. In my opinion that is the most intimidating combination. It takes the least amount of set-up and can be done absentmindedly.

And that's the key, really. Absentmindedness. If you look like you are concentrating on the hand and your fingers are still doing flips, then you look like you must practice a lot. If you practice often, you must always have access to chips. Generally speaking, someone who always has access to chips is probably a good player. And, unless you are always catching the river, it is helpful to be thought of as a good player.

Even if you're not.

Art: Portraiture

Holy Crap! I just found a portrait I did at some point in the past, and, going to guess here, while bored. It is awesome. Some of my best work, and that's not saying much. I love this guy. I am inordinately proud of this particular portrait, as well. It's not particularly flattering, but it's unkind in exactly the right way.

Dude.

Seriously, I have no idea when I did this. This is completely unexpected. Look at that adam's apple. The cocked eyebrow. The thickness in the glasses, I usually forget that. That earlobe.

Stunning. Keith, you are inspiring.

The Importance of Making Sausage.

In honor of the addition of sausage to the Culture Pimp, not to mention buffalo burgers and mail order sushi, it's time to address cooking in the world of Pinguis Illegitimus. Cooking is essential. The ability to create fine cuisine from basics is not only beneficial for obvious physiological satisfaction, but also for it's effect in the ongoing courtship ritual that is life. The true bastard should, at the very least, be capable of lighting up the grill and judging the rarity of a two inch slab of meat, scrounging breakfast in bed for two, and creatively satisfying the late-night munchies with the ingredients immediately available. If fortune is smiling, he should be capable of all three in the same weekend.

Perhaps the finest online resource I have found so far is Cooks.com. I originally went looking for the proper temperature to bake Swedish meatballs, but stayed for the instructions for boiling an egg. Any recipe with a decent sense of humor is worth attempting. Sadly, I have yet to locate a convenient traffic light.

Also, Mrs. Beale may not have much of a sense of humor, but her tomato soup is a classic. Add grilled cheese. The trick is to cover the pan while toasting the first side, but not after the flip. But, of course, you already know that.

Also not to be missed is The Art and Practice of Sausage Making. It's good to know how to make your own sausage. When the world finally comes to and end, and we're all living in shacks, it's good to be a man that knows how to make something appetizing from the trimmings.

Finally, after three pounds of bratwurst and a pound of hot Italian sausage. One of the easiest ways to strengthen your hand is to level the playing field. The Super Pro, by Char-Griller, with '9 more features than any other grill', is a field of soft loam and wild flowers, bull-dosed flat with cupholders every twenty feet. Seriously, this is the greatest grill that ever lived. This is the elusive 'Grill-master 5000'. I cannot say enough about this grill.

Well, got to go. There's a cake in the oven.

Beirut. Seriously? Beirut?

Beer Pong and Beirut are things I never knew enough about when I was in college. It's one of the few things I think I really missed out on. I'm a little confused by the reference to Beirut, but I suppose that will pass with time. The basic premise is that you bounce a ping pong ball into a glass of beer which the opposing team then has to drink. The first team to force their opponents to drink all the glasses of beer on the opposing side of the table wins. The winning prize being the opportunity to force your opponents to finish any of the remaining glasses of beer on your side of the table. It's one of those games where the point seems to be to lose. In fact, 'lose early, lose often' is my motto.

Apparently I occupy the minority. The game not only has rules, but rules that are nationally syndicated and subject to exhaustive explanation should a violation occur. For god's sake, there are brackets. Seriously, brackets.

Fortunately, the rules include an extensive section on when blowing is appropriate. I'm all in favor of that.

Once you've figured out when, and when not, to blow, and have become adept at getting others drunk, you are ready for the World Series of Beer Pong, or, possibly, to rush your local Delta chapter, whichever seems easier.

If you want to, you can build a bracket.

Nudie Playing Cards

In honor of the picture from my original post, I decided to take a look at topless playing cards. I mean, really, who wouldn't?

I am sorry to say I was introduced to them late in life, after becoming jaded, instead of when I was a adolescent, when they would have been the Holy Grail of masturbatory fantasy. My first deck was a prop from a summer theatre production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest done when I was in graduate school. It was a classic 1950's deck. The women were teases, laying naked on a fieldstone fireplace, or just in a field somewhere. Casually draped cashmere sweaters, coincidentally hiding their nether regions just at the moment the picture was taken. Pornography at the peak of its innocence. You'd have to have a malted and see a Roger Corman film to appreciate the period more fully.

Times change. Modern cards, like French swimwear, leave little to the imagination. Following the lead of the rest of the porn world, the ladies stand on multi-colored sets, infinity drop blazing blue in the background. The practiced look of pure pleasure plastered on their faces as they practice tantric yoga, with or without accessories.

Playing cards are no longer solely devoted to the objectification of women, either. Now rock-hard studs, pelvises thrust forward, grasp their elephantine members and grimace at the camera, as if to say, "Three of clubs? I got your three of clubs right here, buddy." Couples, both mono and mixed gender, entertain and instruct the player on that many uses of cucumber. Even transsexuals, performing acts that are, pretty much, limited to transsexuals, grace the linen finish. Proving, once again, that every man's fantasy can be satisfied at a card table.

Which begs the question, just what are these playing cards being used for? I've played poker for about 15 years now, and cribbage and canasta (canasta with nudie cards, there is an idea whose time has come) for years before that, and never actually played with naked women staring up at me. If fact, the only time I've even seen men play poker with the Las Vegas Ladies is the aforementioned stage production, and that was more scripted than ESPN's Celebrity Poker.

The answer is collections. It must be. These cards are not to be sullied by everyday use. They are perfection. Entertainment that entertains. 52 moments of mouth-watering visual ecstasy brought together and arbitrarily assigned value. Aces smile provocatively as their full breasts redefine 'top pair', while the look on the face of the 7 of spades says she knows what it means to get played. Buy them now, show them to your friends, and then bury them in the dresser drawer for lonely Sunday afternoons. Or make your own, assuming you know 52 women (men, trannies, or whatever you're aiming for a pocket pair of) willing to lie down for a good cause.

Either way, ante up. Facials wild.

Ahhh... The Category Request

I'm a fan of Blogspot. Don't get me wrong. But the one thing I would like to have is the ability to archive by topic, as opposed to simply by date. I'm still looking for a loophole a way to use the available options to get it to do what I want, much like my prom date, but I just haven't been able to figure it out yet. Again, much like my prom date. When I started this process, before I even found a provider, I made a layout of what I wanted to have. My intension is to have posts on a range of topics: Poker, Liquor, Women, Food, Cars, etc. These will be published on a whim, as I decide to pontificate on any particular subject. Willy nilly I embrace the Blog, much as I embrace life. Archive this rambling diatribe by date and the interested reader may never find the information he seeks. "Where," he might ask, "is that rousing treatise on Beer Pong?" If everything is archived by date the logical response is, of course, "who knows?" Organize the archives by topic, however, and the answer pleases the ear like the dulcet moans of a 22 year old co-ed theatre major as she recites the poetry of Edna St. Vincent Millay to the rhythm of each thrust.

"Look in Beverages" she breathed

and then she dropped down to her knees.

"Or you could take a look in Games."

She moaned, "cross-referenced," as she came.

But, and this is a big but, I am limited, in this instance, to what is available from the powers that be. Generous, wise, and knowing powers, admittedly, but limited. Powers such as these are unceasing in their quest to deliver the goods, thus getting the gander. So, unlike my band, which is another story we shall get to another time, they are taking requests. Follow the bouncing ball and vote. Vote with me my Brothers and Sisters. Vote.

Beginnings

Effectively, the plan is this: Start the weblog with the limited resources available at the time. See if there is any way to make categories here. Set up the page I want as best as I'm able. And start keeping track. Keep track of everything I'm interested in. Liquor. Women. Smokes. Poker. definitely Poker. Fast Cars, perhaps. The occasional video game reference. Anyway, in an effort to do this I first need a blog to designate the space. It needs to be long enough to give me and idea of what I'm working with. It should contain a picture, so... there. And then hyperlink the picture to someplace interesting... done. I'd really like the ability to get a word to open a picture in it's own page so... there, for now. I'd like the page to open in a very specific way but I'll leave that for later. I want them to open up in their own window, too. Wonder what the code is for that... can't find it. Wait, just found it. Also, I'm getting impatient. Titles I found while I was looking, though. Wonder what can be edited? Looks like pretty much everything. All right, I'm ending this and going to play poker. Wait, one last thought, can I hyperlink the title? Yep. Had to come back and do it, though. Spellcheck. Done.