Nudie Playing Cards

In honor of the picture from my original post, I decided to take a look at topless playing cards. I mean, really, who wouldn't?

I am sorry to say I was introduced to them late in life, after becoming jaded, instead of when I was a adolescent, when they would have been the Holy Grail of masturbatory fantasy. My first deck was a prop from a summer theatre production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest done when I was in graduate school. It was a classic 1950's deck. The women were teases, laying naked on a fieldstone fireplace, or just in a field somewhere. Casually draped cashmere sweaters, coincidentally hiding their nether regions just at the moment the picture was taken. Pornography at the peak of its innocence. You'd have to have a malted and see a Roger Corman film to appreciate the period more fully.

Times change. Modern cards, like French swimwear, leave little to the imagination. Following the lead of the rest of the porn world, the ladies stand on multi-colored sets, infinity drop blazing blue in the background. The practiced look of pure pleasure plastered on their faces as they practice tantric yoga, with or without accessories.

Playing cards are no longer solely devoted to the objectification of women, either. Now rock-hard studs, pelvises thrust forward, grasp their elephantine members and grimace at the camera, as if to say, "Three of clubs? I got your three of clubs right here, buddy." Couples, both mono and mixed gender, entertain and instruct the player on that many uses of cucumber. Even transsexuals, performing acts that are, pretty much, limited to transsexuals, grace the linen finish. Proving, once again, that every man's fantasy can be satisfied at a card table.

Which begs the question, just what are these playing cards being used for? I've played poker for about 15 years now, and cribbage and canasta (canasta with nudie cards, there is an idea whose time has come) for years before that, and never actually played with naked women staring up at me. If fact, the only time I've even seen men play poker with the Las Vegas Ladies is the aforementioned stage production, and that was more scripted than ESPN's Celebrity Poker.

The answer is collections. It must be. These cards are not to be sullied by everyday use. They are perfection. Entertainment that entertains. 52 moments of mouth-watering visual ecstasy brought together and arbitrarily assigned value. Aces smile provocatively as their full breasts redefine 'top pair', while the look on the face of the 7 of spades says she knows what it means to get played. Buy them now, show them to your friends, and then bury them in the dresser drawer for lonely Sunday afternoons. Or make your own, assuming you know 52 women (men, trannies, or whatever you're aiming for a pocket pair of) willing to lie down for a good cause.

Either way, ante up. Facials wild.