Llama on the Half Shell

I picked up a venison ham the other day. I got it from my brother in law, who seems to have gotten it off the back of a truck somewhere. It had been treated none to gently, and the steaks I had gotten with it were too gamey to be trusted to anything less then medium well, which is a crime unto itself. So I figured I'd smoke the ham.

I cured it in a sugar brine and, in celebration of the season, I added a package of cranberries. Loaded the hotbox of the Grillmaster 5000 with hickory chips, smoked it at 200 degrees for about two and a half hours, and then finished it up, covered, in a 325 degree oven.

Mmmmmmm... Smoky Goodness.

Today, however, I discovered the motherload: Exoticmeats.com. Sure, we have all enjoyed the occasional buffalo burger, or sampled ostrich while on honeymoon in Aruba, but when is the last time you grilled up a 2" yak steak, or had Outback Jambalaya with kangaroo and alligator? Not recently enough, that's for damn sure.

Some of the meats are a little pricey; rattlesnake goes for $39.95 a pound, and a 5 lb. rack of elk will set you back $126.15. Others are pretty reasonable, however, and where else are you going to find wild boar bacon or llama top sirloin? They require a $95 minimum order, so it's not something I'm going to be doing just because I've got a taste for reindeer steak. Understandably, considering dry ice, refrigeration, and specialty insulation packs, shipping is a bit pricey, too. The shipping for my wish-list order of 5 lbs of boar bacon, jerky snack pack, whole pheasant, and kangaroo sausage came to $67.50, bringing my total up to $173.87. The wish-list of exotic meat is going to have to wait, I suppose. At least until next paycheck. For now, anyway, I'll just have to substitute regular pork for my Wild Boar Korean Meatballs.

Until then... Smoked venison anyone?

Outback Jambalaya

Ingredients:

1 pound alligator fillet, cut into 1" cubes

1 pound kangaroo sausage, in 1/2" slices

olive oil

1 large onion, chopped

1 large bell pepper, chopped

1/3 cup chopped celery

3-6 garlic cloves, minced

3 small cans of tomato paste

1 28 oz. can tomatoes, chopped

8 cups dark chicken stock

½ cup chopped green onion

2 tsp each: red pepper, black pepper

1 tsp each, white pepper, oregano

1/2 tsp thyme

2 bay leaves

salt to taste

4 cup uncooked long-grain, white rice

Directions:

1. In a 4-quart heavy pot, brown the kangaroo in a little olive oil. Set aside.
2. Saute onion, bell pepper, garlic, and celery in olive oil until the onions become transparent. In the same pot, add the tomato paste and let it pince, or let it brown a little. This adds additional depth by caramelizing the sugars in the tomato paste, deepening the flavor and color. Keep stirring so that it browns but doesn't burn.
3. Deglaze the pot with 2 cups of stock, stirring until the mixture is smooth.
4. Stir in seasonings, tomatoes, green onions, and salt to taste. Cook for 10 minutes. Add meat, and cook for an additional 10 minutes. Add the remaining stock, stir, and adjust seasoning.
5. Add rice. Cook covered until liquid is absorbed, about 20-25 minutes. Remove cover, turn stove down to low-med, and simmer for 10 minutes or so to thicken.
6. Pour yourself a drink, and enjoy!

Serves 4-6

Staff Infection: Shiny

That Fat Bastard would like to welcome Shiny to our staff. I've played with Shiny at Club 506 for about the last 2 years or so, and this is a guy that knows poker, biblically. He's a great guy, and that rash aught to clear up any day now.

The Politics of Gambling

Harrah's 2004 Profile of the American Casino Gambler is intended as an exploration of the average gambler. We're not talking Stu Unger or Texas Dolly here. We're talking about the guy that works his job, pays his mortgage, drinks his beer, and, within the last year, has gone out of his way to visit a casino and lay a little money on the line. In other words, we're talking about That Fat Bastard.

It's an interesting study. In particular, I found the section in the middle, where they surveyed players at the World Series of Poker, extremely informative. Check out the section on "Tells" and note the difference between what the pros and the amateurs think is important. For the most part, though, it's a political document, intended to filter over to some congressman's aide or support some lobbyist's agenda. Filled with demographics, color coded maps, and bar graphs, it attempts to put a handle on the casino gambler. "This is That Fat Bastard," it says, "and here's why you should pay attention to him."

So, who is That Fat Bastard when we compare him to the average non-gambler, Johnny Safebet? The answer might surprise you. Gamblers trend Democratic while non-gamblers trend Republican, so no real surprise there. That Fat Bastard is more likely to indicate intent to vote then Johnny is, though, and he's less likely to care about issues like gay marriage and abortion, focusing instead on the economy and taxes. In fact, the report says, "Casino gamblers are more politically active than non-gamblers. They are more likely to have signed a petition (51% to 42%), to contribute money (26% to 19%), or to have attended a public meeting (19% to 15%) on behalf of a political candidate or cause." There's another statistic that should cause Washington to sit up and take notice: That Fat Bastard is more inclined (17% to 11%) to contribute money to political organizations then Mr. Safebet.

Score one for Fatty.

Not surprising is that casino gamblers are more likely to invest money, and more likely to be prepared financially for retirement. They're more likely to consult financial professionals and experts, and tend to more actively manage their finances then Johnny does, too. In fact, when the numbers come in, That Fat Bastard is more likely to be flexing his financial muscle. He travels more, eats out, pays to entertain himself, buys more cars, and then goes to a bar (39% to 22%) to wind down after a long day of spending his hard won money. The casino gambler is what this country needs. He's fuelling the economy while the non-gamblers sit at home complaining about the price of gas. He's taking a risk while Johnny Safebet waits for someone else to fix the problem.

That Fat Bastard is saving America, one bet at a time.

Pipe Dreams: Playing with the Big Dogs.

There's an awful lot of information about Big Dog Cycles out there on the web. As for any modern company a web presence is important. Get the product out there, preferably in fantastic pictures and under fantastic women, and let the consumer dream of consummation. Big Dog is no exception; the internet teams with detail upon factiod. The Pitbull features a 300 mm rear tire that's fatter than I am. The brand spanking new K-9 stretches out to 9 feet. They all sport a 117 cu. in. OHV 45 Degree V-Twin. This is great information. I read the stats, and I admired the pictures. They are some good looking bikes. I am particularly fond of the lines on the Pitbull. It's a good looking bike. However...

Nothing can compare to sitting on one of these machines. I got a chance to take a test drive about a year ago. Screw the Pitbull; the Chopper was built with me in mind. Some designer somewhere said, "Look at that fat bastard, he needs a bike." Then they snuck into my studio one night when I was passed out on a saw horse, measured me from gullet to groin, and built a bike that fit me perfectly. I want to get one for the living room so I can truly relax while I watch television. It's incredible. It's like resting in your mother's womb, if her womb had 150 horsepower and her ass made noises like a rhinoceros raised on Indian food.

Sadly, I won't be buying one any time soon. Not unless I become a politician, or the guys at Club 506 suddenly forget how to play poker. But I'll continue to dream.

Galleries of Note: The Museum of Bad Art

What can I say? There are collections that so encapsulate and define the movement they intend to record that the gallery itself becomes an artistic achievement. When the works themselves are simply pointillistic splotches in a cohesive whole that overwhelms the sum of parts the word "museum" seems, somehow, inadequate. This then, is a tribute to inadequacy.

The Museum Of Bad Art (MOBA), by it's own admission, is the world's only museum dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all its forms. The collection of portraiture is particularly poignant. From Lucy in the Field with Flowers to Sunday on the Pot with George the pieces resonate with artistic fervor and need. Countless hours can be spent in rapt contemplation of the unshaven vulnerability of Pauline Resting. Never before has a collection so stirred me. I'm going to need a moment alone.

Also, they have cool t-shirts.

Congratulations: Beer Pong Champion of the World

It's official. We have a Beer Pong (also known as Beirut) Champion of the World. Jason Coben and Nick Velissaris, both 23, from Ann Arbor, Michigan, won the first ever World Series of Beer Pong, held at the Oasis Resort Hotel & Casino Convention Center in Mesquite, NV. Aside from the prestige, they walked off with a $10,000 pay-off (after the obligatory call home to Mom.)

And Mama said beer drinkin' didn't pay.

Our heartfelt congratulations go out to these fine athletes, as well as all the fierce competitors that ponied up to the table and dipped their balls in the foamy amber goodness.

To everyone else, it's time to get ready for next year.