Pipe Dreams: Playing with the Big Dogs.

There's an awful lot of information about Big Dog Cycles out there on the web. As for any modern company a web presence is important. Get the product out there, preferably in fantastic pictures and under fantastic women, and let the consumer dream of consummation. Big Dog is no exception; the internet teams with detail upon factiod. The Pitbull features a 300 mm rear tire that's fatter than I am. The brand spanking new K-9 stretches out to 9 feet. They all sport a 117 cu. in. OHV 45 Degree V-Twin. This is great information. I read the stats, and I admired the pictures. They are some good looking bikes. I am particularly fond of the lines on the Pitbull. It's a good looking bike. However...

Nothing can compare to sitting on one of these machines. I got a chance to take a test drive about a year ago. Screw the Pitbull; the Chopper was built with me in mind. Some designer somewhere said, "Look at that fat bastard, he needs a bike." Then they snuck into my studio one night when I was passed out on a saw horse, measured me from gullet to groin, and built a bike that fit me perfectly. I want to get one for the living room so I can truly relax while I watch television. It's incredible. It's like resting in your mother's womb, if her womb had 150 horsepower and her ass made noises like a rhinoceros raised on Indian food.

Sadly, I won't be buying one any time soon. Not unless I become a politician, or the guys at Club 506 suddenly forget how to play poker. But I'll continue to dream.