That Fat Bastard

And I'm Spent.

2006-06-18T17:37:00.000-04:00

Ah, Luck, you fickle, fickle bitch. I catch a pocket pair of Queens and raise 3 times the blind. The guy to my left reraises all in and I call. He's holding a pair of Johnnies.

Of course the board is Ts 7h 9c 4s 8c.

I'm out in 724th place. Thus concludes the last time I play on Poker Stars. Thanks for coming out. I hope you like the buffet as much as I did.

And Boredom Sets In.

2006-06-18T16:55:00.000-04:00

After an nice little initial run, I have now settled in to a world of terrible cards and the struggle with my inner need to play. After my first couple of wins I had an attack of "any two cards can win." Fortunately, I recovered before the blinds got above 30.

Now I'm bored. Bored of looking at pointless cards. Bored of watching others make stupid plays and feed the big stacks. Bored of watching the 93off I couldn't muck fast enough hit on the river. Just bored.

Hey I caught a pair of tens. No over card on the flop. No one calls.

Now I'm bored.

I know there is a way to keep plucking at the pots and pick up the occasional extra chip. I simply don't know how to do it in a tournament game. By the time I'm comfortable with the blind levels we've moved on and my stack keeps looking shorter and shorter. In theory there is no difference between a cash game and a tournament, but in practice I think there must be. Possibly, I should be reading different books. Who can tell?

No seriously, someone tell me.

First break, I'm sitting just below average, and the game that started with 2247 is at 1497.

And I'm bored.

Ride the Donkey.

2006-06-18T16:05:00.000-04:00

I crazy little start. I'm on the button with Qc6c and there's a single limper. WTF, it's first hand, I'm in. That's the last bet until the river. The board is Ks Jd 8d 9d Ts. I bet the river. He calls. He had pp7.

Next hand I'm sitting on pp7. WTF, It's what the last guy I beat had; I'll call it. This time, though, there's a raiser. The flop is crap, in fact the entire board is crap, and this guy is pushing a little, but not like he's got an overpair. He's pushing like he's got AKoff or AQs so I call the whole way and my little ass pair takes it.

I can live with the criticism.

Well, this is the point...

2006-06-18T15:56:00.000-04:00

I'm playing in the Poker Stars 2nd Annual World Blogger Championship of Online Poker today. I expect to finish quickly, I'm in no mood to play poker today. I figured I'd blog it. That's the point, isn't it? However, I'm feeling mixed about the whole experience. General weirdness. Also, my poker playing has been bad the last 2 weeks or so. I think the short term is -EV, except maybe it's supposed to be in italics (-EV).

So, here goes...

Continued Staff Infection: Fuck The World

2006-06-17T16:20:00.000-04:00

So, is ESPN taking the soul out of poker? Are all these .com sites cheapening one of America's legacies? Because come on, when you think of America, you think of the Wild West: Bill Hickok, Daniel Boone, the Outlaw Josey Wales... Does complete access to one of America's better shady past times ruin it or change it or make it stronger?

To me it parallels the motorcycle culture perfectly. You are an outlaw by choice; FTW. Your own rules, your own reasons, etc. You find other people that enjoy the same things you do, but that doesn't mean they think like you or act like you. You enter into it as your own man and you live or die by it as your own man.

No after school special cheesy-ness intended... But that's the truth.

Now you have every Tom, Dick and Jackass riding bikes. Do they understand it? Mostly no. Do they make it better for the 1%? Unfortunately yes. Not that we needed shit from anybody anyway, but not being stopped by the cops or shot by strangers is a definite bonus. You feel special, because fuck all... you are special.

Then the white bread folks creep in... Does there marginally shared experience cheapen yours?

Fuck no.

You know what you are, you know who you are, you know what it means, and you know what you can get out of it. I think the same applies for poker. 100%. A lot of folks can sneak in, bet a little money and brag to their buddies. But I don't think they make any real difference in the game. As with everything that you have to make a conscience decision to do... you have to make sacrifices for... the ones that sacrifice come out ahead, and the ones that half ass will always come up short.

Today's practice equals tomorrow's victory.

So, to sum up, quit bitching about that bad beat some random punk gave you, and figure out why you bit in the first place. He's a tourist and you mother fucking live here.

my first poker post FTW

I'm hoping to add FTW as an advice columnist to That Fat Bastard. He'll answer the questions the, deep down inside, each of wants the answer to, like "Why am I here?", "What the hell is your problem?", and "Are you looking to get cut?" He hasn't answered my invitation yet, but I've got my fingers crossed.

Things To Do: Freeroll

2006-06-05T00:11:00.001-04:00

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 6470397

In an unpleasant twist to the story, PokerStars rejected my intended nickname. That's right, apparently 'ThtFtBstrd' might offend the delicate sensibilities of the likes of The Fossilman, Moneymaker, and Mr. Wheaton. Sadly, I was forced to come up with a new nickname on the fly. Oddly enough, I was too offended, myself, to just shorten it to TFB as I normally would. I chose 'Ihnipswtf', which stands for 'I had no idea poker stars was this fascist' as anyone can plainly see.

That name seems to be fine.

Playing in the Schoolyard

2006-05-18T20:05:00.000-04:00

There are some names out there for poker players. Labels you can use to communicate, or remember, the type of play you or a compatriot may be facing. There are fish and sharks. He's loose/aggressive, she's tight/passive (Mmmmmm... tight passive.) But it occurred to me, on my excruciating drive home, that the labels available today are insufficient. Fish come in many flavors, and more information is necessary when you are trying to find something satisfying on which to snack. It's time to learn new monikers; new labels for the kids at play. This, then, is the metaphor of the modern poker player. Welcome to the schoolyard.

The Bully

This guy is pretty obvious. He's pushing people around and grabbing lunch money when he can. The thing about bullies is that they will back down if you've got the balls to stand up to them, and that's the trick you have to learn. Let the bully swagger and squawk. Do your best to keep your lunch money on the tray in front of you. Don't make eye contact, and timidly fold when he puts up his dukes, but pay attention. When the time comes, you've got the nuts, and push comes to shove, push back. Beat him. Screw slowplaying this bastard, kick him where it hurts, in his ego. If you think you've got him reraise the whole way. If it's no-limit you are playing, don't simply push all-in, reraise. If his big mistake was deciding to mess with you, you want to make him make the same bad decision over and over again. Push him until he backs down. If he doesn't back down it's going to be expensive, so make sure you've got something to back up your punch; no bluffing yet. If he sucks something out, calmly muck and wait for him to try it again. He will, and this time he'll be seeing the river, so make it as expensive as possible. Once he's learned his lesson he'll give you space, and you should be able to bluff a couple of extra bets off of him.

Bully variations: The Coach

This guy is not only trying to push you around, he's telling you how your play stinks, too. He's going to really hate it when you show him up on the playing field, so he'll start taking it out on the other players. That's fine. Let him soak the others for a while, then school him again. He'll back down after the flop and call to the river just to see if he catches it. If he does he's going to be interminable, so no bluffing this guy. Just wait until you catch the ball, and then run him all over the field.

The Geek

This guy has got intelligence, but he might be lacking in street smarts. He's read the books, memorized the starting hands, and can handle implied odds without moving his lips. He's playing solid poker, but he 's so solid you might be able to predict what he's going to do next. Pay attention to this guy, he's your friend. He's going to help bring the tone on the table down and keep the wild players under control. If you find yourself in a multi-player pot with this guy and he just keeps raising you probably want to muck. Don't begrudge him his winnings, either, just back off and let him take the less educated kids down. He's the one that's going to pay you off when you do the unexpected. Then, instead of criticizing your play, he's going to question your motives. "Why are you raising 5 6 off in mid field with no callers on the board? Don't you know what pot odds are?" Don't tell him your actual thought process. Just remind him, "any two cards can win." Now smile as he writes this down in his little notebook. The next time you face him with top pair and a good kicker, he'll call the whole way with Ace high just to see if you got it.

The Cool Kid

This is the guy everyone wants to be. He mostly just hangs out and watches, but when he decides to get into the game he plays tough. He's smart, but he doesn't like to draw attention to it. Everyone respects him, and even the bullies back down if he takes a swing. He'd be called tight/aggressive if he put up with getting labeled by The Man. Just remember that he's got more than just book learnin'. If he's getting enough cred he's going to be playing some softer cards, just to keep the bankroll moving. If he can't get any other action, and you are looking at 2nd pair, you should consider calling him down just to see what he's got. He won't get mad, he'll just smile wryly and make a mental note. The next time he pushes back against you he's probably going to have it. Just smile wryly and make a mental note.

The Sidekick

We all know this guy. He's along with his friend, backing up the play of the day. Most of the things he says start with "Yeah!" as in, "Yeah! We're gonna kick your ass!", or "Yeah! He's way smarter than you are!", or "Yeah! You didn't have the right pot odds for that call!" The Sidekick isn't defined so much as what he is; more as what he's trying to be. Figure out who he's imitating and you can figure out how to beat him. Hopefully, he should be an easier beat as it's not really his own personality that's influencing his play, and it's always hard to be something you're not.

One note: You're not going to see much of The Sidekick online. He's there, but most of the time he's too difficult to recognize. Sit down to at a $1/$2 or $2/$4 table in AC and you'll have tagged him in the first 15 minutes.

The Biter

I almost named this guy The Newton*, but no one outside of Club 506 would understand what I meant, and I thought it might get confused with The New Guy. This is a great guy. He's usually a good player, but he doesn't like aggression. In fact, if you try and push him, not only is The Biter going to push back, he's going to cut you. What can sometimes be a good play against The Bully or a blind-thief is not a moneymaker when applied against any raiser, but The Biter is going to try it anyway. If you've got the nuts, and The Biter wants to play, don't bother with the slowplay. Tell him he's got nothing and shovel in the chips. You might want to make your move early, however, because unless our friend is getting lucky, pretty soon he'll bust out, throw down his cards, and stomp off. Try and get a piece of the action before that happens.

The New Kid

This isn't so much of a personality type, as something you need to be aware of, particularly online. The New Kid is an unknown. Is he a Bully, a Geek, a Biter? Who can tell. Often times, online, what happens is that you assign personality to a position. When the player switches you get The New Kid. If you've been waiting on the cards to reraise into The Coach sitting two seats to your right, and suddenly it's not working out the way you expected it to, it's probably because that position is now filled with The New Guy. Pay attention, it could hurt. Of course, the reverse is also true. Once you take a seat online, you become The New Guy. If you can figure out who the old guy was, you might have an advantage until the rest of the kids catch on.

The Special Ed Kid

This is the guy that has no idea what's going on. He's smiling and happy, and calling everything preflop because, as you told The Geek, any two cards can win. When he wins, he wins big, because no one thinks he's got anything. You can't tell what The Special Ed Kid is playing, because he doesn't know himself. This is fine. This is good. While he wins big occasional, most of what he does is lose. If you are kind to him, he can be the table's special friend. Don't pick on The Special Ed Kid. Encourage him. Defend him when the Coach berates his play. Congratulate him on his wisdom when he drags down the chips he won with J 5 off from under the gun. Be nice to The Special Ed Kid; he's paying for dinner.

Special Ed Kid variation: Mellow Yellow

There's another kind of player. I'm going to call him Mellow Yellow after an actual kid I went to middle school with that always wore bright yellow shoes. This guy sits quietly. He doesn't play much with others. He probably doesn't talk much. He simply waits, and watches. Then suddenly something happens, nobody knows what it was, but Mellow Yellow is off his meds and all over the place. He's pushing down The Bully, and busting Coach's balls. He's outsmarted The Geek, and left him crying with cracked Aces. The Biter is bleeding chips, and even The Cool Kid is overthinking his play. Then suddenly the moment is over. Quiet descends upon the schoolyard. It's a nervous sort of peace, however, because everyone knows Mellow Yellow is in the yard. Waiting. Watching.

Sometimes it's good to be The Bully or The Geek, and everyone wants to be The Cool Kid. However, the real King of the Hill, the Master of the Swing Set, the Pimp of the Playground, that's Mellow Yellow.

* Hey man. Just for the record, it's not because of your poker play. It's all personality. Please don't cut me.

Poker Room Review: Absolute Poker

2006-04-24T21:17:00.000-04:00

In my constant struggle to build my Vegas poker stake, I have moved on to other sites. The newest one is...

Absolute Poker

This software downloaded fine, and I was up and playing within 15 minutes, just like other sites. For the first time, however, I've run into programming issues. Like I've said before, I'm running Windows XP on a pretty new machine. With Absolute poker the interface is not smooth. Sometimes it's bad design, like odd pop-ups interrupting you while you are trying to sign up for a tables, or the waiting list dropping you from every other table once you finally sit down at one. Other times it's actual programming problems. Sometimes tables don't pop up after you've been wait-listed, it just keeps asking if I want to join the game, but refusing to bring up the table when I say yes.

Visually the design has problems, too. If you are like me you like calming, easy to understand tables online. The default table skin they use on Absolute Poker is a little frenetic, which makes it difficult to quickly read the table. This can be easily altered by right clicking on any empty space on the table. I'll be putting a skin up, soon. In theory you can change the picture that you play under, but I haven't gotten that to work yet either.

Balancing out the programming and design problems, however, is a nice bonus structure. Typically they offer 200% on the first $100 deposited. Plus, and I don't know how else to say this, the $1/$2 limit table on this site is the softest game I have ever played. Play a little solid poker and you can own these tables. The site is also offering an little extra bonus incentive at the moment. As of today, they will give a new player 100% match up to $750. Just enter AP750 as your bonus code when you buy in. The match is paid out $10 at a time for 100 raked hands played. Playing two $1/$2 limit tables at a time, 100 raked hands takes about an hour and 15 minutes. I am averaging about $15/hour without the bonus. Not quite worth quitting my day job, but getting there.

Aside from the bonus, there are New Registration and New Deposit freeroll multi-tournaments. The first one seemed odd when it started, with some guy going all in every hand. I know it's a freeroll, but seriously, all-in every hand? Turns out the freerolls tend to have a lot of absenteeism, and Crazy Ivan was just trying to pick up as many blinds as he could before management dropped the absent players. I'm not sure why he was using all-in, when minimum raise would do, but his plan backfired. One other person at the table, aside from myself, had sat down and simply waited until he had decent cards to scoop up Ivan's stack. When management finally dropped the no-shows, the programming reared it's ugly head and left me alone with the sneaky fellow that killed Ivan. I didn't last long.

Fortunately, I learn from experience, and on the New Depositer's multi I was ready. This time I scooped Ivan's stack for a little early head start, and then stole blinds until I finally sat down with real players. I managed to take some guy out with the hammer, which is a first for me, and ended up taking 3rd.

Don't forget to sign up for the New Registration and New Deposit multis. Good Luck!

Poker Room Review: William Hill

2006-04-19T22:50:00.000-04:00

Another couple of days have passed in my exploration of the online poker world. Exciting days, to be sure. My Vegas stake is slowly growing, and Club 506 is buzzing, as Shiny has shown his true colors and taken a monster payout from several hundred multi-tournament hopefuls. That's his story, however, and I'll let him tell it in good time. Meanwhile I have tried the play at another of the plethora of poker rooms available on the World Wide Web...

William Hill Poker

The initial download is painless, and I was up and playing within 15 minutes. As I've said before, I'm running on a pretty new machine with Windows XP. The interface for this site is smooth, with no freeze-ups or disconnects through about six hours of play. The tables are pretty easy to read, and there are no annoying pop-ups, so playing more than one table isn't a problem. Oddly enough, the "Yes" and "No" buttons are reversed for most things, with "Yes" on the right instead of the left, which can cause a little confusion. It actually took me a couple of tries to join a table from the waiting list, because I kept clicking on the left hand button when it asked me if I wanted to join without actually reading the button. I'm assuming there is some reason for this, but I didn't actually care enough to find out what it is.

Organization in the Main Lobby pretty much sucks. The website supports betting in British Sterling, Euros, and U.S. Dollars, so when you are sorting through the table list looking for play you need to be careful of the currency of the table you sit down to. I intended to sit at a $1/$2 limit table, but ended up playing for pounds instead. If you are trying to work on your stake, that can be a costly mistake to make, particularly if you catch a bad run of cards. The menu of games is one long list, with no way of filtering out the games you're not interested in. Not well thought out.

Another oddity of William Hill Poker is the bonus they offer. Players earn 25£ for 5 hours of play, renewed every month (about $42). This in itself isn't too bad, although the accounting for the Pay-for-Play Bonus is a little weird. They add the chips to your stack as you leave the table without actually telling you they did it. You can see the transaction if you go to the "Account Statement" section of the cashier, but it's extremely odd to look at. It almost appears as if they give you the bonus and then take it away again. They don't. If you keep track of the amount of your stack as you leave the table you can see that the bonus is added in. The account statement just doesn't make sense. Unfortunately, the bonus structure is the basic cause of what I really don't like about William Hill.

The Play.

Here's were the bonus set-up takes an ugly turn. Because time is the only factor, and the number of raked hands doesn't matter, no one plays. A typical $1/$2 limit table (or 1£/2£ table for that matter) involves a bunch of slow players folding into the blinds. You can try aggression if you like, but, since it's limit, the blinds will protect themselves, and frustration will follow. During my first hour, I caught a couple of pocket rockets in late position and watched the rest of the table slowly fold. I raised, the button and small blind mucked, and Big Blind called to protect his investment. I bet through a crappy-ass flop (2s Qd 5c), turn (9h), and river (7h) with confidence born of the knowledge that no set, flush, or straight could cause me problems. Only if this joker had called down a hand like, say... 5 7 off, could I lose money on my perfect pair.

I don't want to talk about it.

William Hill needs an overhaul. Revamp the lobby so players can find their game. Re-structure the bonus so people are awarded for actual play. Install topless dealers. Do something. Otherwise, Mr. Hill, you'll find yourself alone, your supposed friends simply Bonus Whores, hanging out only because you pay them to.

Poker Room Review: Bet365.com

2006-04-18T17:00:00.000-04:00

Admittedly, I'm just an amateur poker player. I don't have the math sense to judge pot odds and implied odds on the fly, at least not yet, and the more I read the various poker blogs out there, the more I know I'm not a part of that community. I'm a good amateur, however. I like to think so anyway. Then again, even idiots like to think they are good poker players.

Regardless, it's time to build a stake for Fancyhand's upcoming 40th birthday Vegas trip. Instead of simply sticking to the poker rooms I know, I've decided to try out the various options available on the internet, and pick up a couple of sign-up bonuses in the meantime. I'll be reviewing the sites as I go. First on the list...

Bet365 Poker

I chose to start with Bet365 because of the sign-up bonus. The new player bonus is $100, earned in $10 increments after each 50 raked hands. I'm using a pretty new machine running Windows XP, and the download was no problem. Initially I had a problem setting up an account, apparently there were server issues and I kept getting an error, but it was late, and I hadn't been planning on playing right away anyway, so I hit the sack instead. The next morning everything worked like a charm and I set up an account and deposited enough to get the sign-in bonus.

The interface is very smooth. During 7 or so hours of play I didn't have any trouble with the my system, and no disconnects. The poker tables are easy to get a quick read on, so playing two tables isn't much of a problem. The poker tables are a little wide, however, with running commentary all along the right hand side, so you have to do a little arranging to make more than one table easily playable.

The site is one of the most well organized I have played on yet, with separate folders in the menu bar for each type of game, blind level, and limit. The platform is extremely fast, with no extra time spent in animation or congratulatory messages, which means earning the bonus is pretty easy. In fact, the speed here is my favorite part of Bet 365. My bet is that I'm not alone in that opinion, either, as I have yet to see anyone complaining about slow play.

One interesting thing on this site is sound. Instead of limiting the sound effects to the table on top, the program plays the sounds for every table you're playing. With two tables up, and the extremely fast play, it starts to sound like you are in a casino, which is kind of cool. I haven't decided if getting the sound f/x for all the running table is advantageous or not, but it definitely isn't a hindrance.

Another thing I like is that Bet 365 offers running stats that continue to track from session to session. I like this better then simply getting the stats off one table at a time. The only thing I would like is if they also tracked the number of hands played, but that information is available elsewhere with a little digging. I do like the session stats available from other sites, but you can reset the stats on Bet 365 whenever you want, so no big whoop.

Keeping track of the bonus earned is no problem, either. One of the menu options gives you the number of raked hands within the last 24 hours, or within a predetermined period. One twist is that you have to request the bonus by sending an email to customer support, but they have been good about getting back to me quickly, so it's not too much of a bother.

The play at the tables was what I expected. Playing successfully on the $1/$2 Limit table meant playing solid poker, tight and aggressive. Even so I saw a few annoying beats. It's good practice for the low limit tables in Vegas, however, and I'm up even before you count the bonus. It's not the fishbowl Everest seems to be, but it can still be beaten. All in all, I'm a fan of this poker room. I'll be keeping a bit of my stake here, and continuing to try and increase it, as I check out other sites. Good luck.

My 35 Cents Worth...

2006-04-04T19:15:00.000-04:00

Through a successive number of bad decisions I am now down to 35 cents. You would expect it to be bad decisions that would do that to a stack. Of course, I started with zero. So, technically, I am still 'up'. Make that 35 cents and a chance. I'm in a ten seat tournament, with six left. I've got the second largest stack. I'm working on patience.

Don't get me wrong, although there have been a couple of minor ones, the major mistakes of the day haven't been on the poker table. The major mistakes have been made while deciding which tables to sit down at in the first place.

Five at the table, now.

I've bought into three 'C-n-C' $1 multis. I wrote about the first one. The other two were less than satisfying. I am not good with multis; I know that. I need practice, true, but now is not the time to be spending a third of my bankroll on a learning experience. I need to keep up the freeroll multis if I want to practice. No more paid multis. I need a guideline on the multi buy-in. For now I'm going to arbitrarily set it at half the amount I would willingly buy into a single table for. I have a feeling that may change downward unless I get better at coming in the money in multis. For now, it's a moot point. With 35 cents I can only afford the freerolls.

Still five, I'm chipleader.

I've been doing o.k. on the limit ring games. I've arbitrarily set my buy-in level at 25 times the blind, and it seems to be working out. I'm comfortable with a third of my bankroll on a limit table at one time, simply because I'm trying to build. This will cause problems later on.

Four now, still chipleader.

My next major mistake was turning from limit ring games to the no-limit tables. Twice I sat down with 50 cents on the no-limit game and walked away with nothing. Limit provides the opportunity to limit loss. An error that cost ten times the big blind in a limit game is survivable. The same error in a no-limit game ends the game. When you are trying to build your stake, and are putting a third on the line, the last thing you need is to lose it all in one go.

Three now, dropped back to second.

The other mistake I did was to sit down at a limit ring game with only a couple of other people at the table. Limit can be brutal if you are short stacked and you're paying the blinds every other hand. From now on, I only play the full tables.

Two now. I am significantly short stacked.

It's funny how I can speak with such logical sense, just to flip like John Kerry on Waffle Wednesday at the IHoP the next time I pull 9 4 offsuit. Everybody does it. It's what keeps people in on the long draw, just to see if they can pull the straight flush. It's an addiction, only all over, because when you finally hit it you want it even more. We're always looking over the next hump, when what we really need to learn is quit while we're ahead. The biggest mistake in poker isn't overbetting Big Slick, or sandbagging the set just to let that bastard pull the flush . The biggest mistake in poker is optimism. Stick with what you know. Play what you can win. Leave the chance for the other guy. Grind it out.

The short stack doesn't last long, and I'm out. Took second. That puts me at $1.10 overall.

That's just enough for a buy in at the Chip and a Chair.

Ace Magnets, Pocket Rockets, and Big Slick.

2006-04-02T17:34:00.000-04:00

The Chip and a Chair multi has started out going pretty well. All it took was two all-ins, with callers, to put me in fifth position with 78 remaining players. The tourney pays to 30th. If I can keep my head I should be all right.

The first was a pair of pocket Kings in small blind. I bet the pot by the time it came back around to me and Frenchy pushed me all it. It's ever so painful to play Four Tits against a couple of righteous bastards, and the river completes the nativity for that extra bit of sarcasm.

Three hands later I've got a couple of Aces, and everyone wants to fight. There are 4 callers, but they're all short stacked, and they don't quite double me up. Still, I'm comfortably in the money, as long as I'm careful.

Speaking of careful, we've reached that point where everything slows down. The tourney pays to 30, and we're to the point where half the remaining make a profit. At this point the point seems to be just outlast the other guy. Now you'll see people wait to play just to make the game go slower. In theory, they are slowing their rate of loss below someone at another table. I'm never sure how I feel about this tactic. From a pragmatic standpoint I think it's probably a smart move, like checking down an short stacked all-in. On an emotional level, I'm against it.

Now 60 players remain. I'm in seventh. I haven't lost any since the Aces, in fact I'm up a couple of purchased blinds, but the field is slowly passing me by. Here is when I usually choke. It's very difficult for me to wait. I've the itch to play, and I'm worried about my stack, but I'm trying to learn patience. Suited big slick takes a bite out of my stack and I drop to 11th with 40 remaining. I've got to learn patience. I know I've got to learn patience. I tell myself I have to learn patience.

But I don't.

Big slick in late position and a shorter stack in front of me goes all-in. There are 35 players remaining. I call the all-in. So does the monster stack in big blind. The flop is Ad Qd 6c. The monster wants to put me all in. Deep down somewhere I know I should dump top pair, but I just can't do it. The monster had Ah Qh and I'm going to finish 32nd. Two places out of the money. Life is a bitch, and it's a bitch that put me down.

I gotta learn some patience.

See-Sawing on a Sunday Afternoon.

2006-04-02T16:06:00.000-04:00

I just signed up for the "Chip and a Chair" multi. It's basically just a $1 buy-in multiple player tournament. Everyone pays a dollar and starts with 100 chips and a 1/.5 blind. I feel this is a rip. The title is a lie. It should give each player 1 chip and start the blinds out at 1/.5 and let the shit hit the fan. That would be a fun tournament. Short, too. You will have lost at least half the players after the first hand. By the 10th every player will have gone all-in at least once. This is a money maker. Someone aught to suggest it.

The multi's not going to start for a couple of minutes so I sat down at a $.02/$.04 limit table. This ring game has been the secret to my success so far today. I recommend it to any who are trying the Money for Nothin' challenge. I started with a bankroll of 81 cents, played with to a stake of 50, and brought that up to about $1.50. Then I did it again and brought the bankroll above $3. This time the cards are colder, and I'm just sitting at $0.50, but it wasted time while I waited for the multi to start.

Once it does, the multi is feeding me teaser hands and taking a bite out of my stack on top of it. Just as I am writing this I call K Q off mid field and catch the straight on the river. It didn't pay-off well, but it paid off, and now I'm up a little.

Now, however, the ring game is pushing teaser hands, and I'm down over there. Some days everything connects, but ends up going nowhere. I bought into the aforementioned $1 multi, cause I figure I'm still up even if I'm first out. Of course, I would prefer not to be first out.

First out sucks.

I'm won't be taking first out, of course. Anyone that folds the first hand is protected from that danger. These online tournaments tend to move pretty fast, typically losing half the remaining players every hour or so. The multi started feeding me teasers again, and I may well be out the first hour.

Just as I'm writing that last sentence, my early pocket pair sets on the flop and I double up. The cards are fickle.

The multi has swung the other way, but the teasers on the ring table aren't letting up, so I'm going to head back to the freeroll sit-n-goes. That way I can devote guilt-free brain cells to the multi. I'm up to about 50% above the average stack, and the blinds have quadrupled, so it's probably time to see if I can come in the money.

Me and Bettie Page!

2006-03-31T21:23:00.000-05:00

There are pinnacles of human achievement that mark our time on this planet. The very act of dreaming the impossible makes that thing possible. This is a concept well known to the likes of Galileo, Davinci, Socrates, Einstein, Pitt and now yours truly.

Why do I belong amongst such prestigious company? With all due respect to these great minds I have accomplished something that not a single one of them has ever accomplished. That's right I've won the Club 506 Tournament Championship twice in three years.

Few can understand the joy of besting your friends in a well played, hard fought poker tournament. This tournament is probably the best poker you can find in our area what with the lack of casinos and all. Club 506 isn't a place to "play" poker. Club 506 is a place to learn poker, live poker, breathe poker and heckle your friends when you win.

Ahh the heckling. I was the first out in last year's tourney when the Carny cracked my Aces with his Jacks. That hurt and it stuck with me for quite a while. I worked on my game all year in anticipation of the next tournament. I wanted the Bettie Page back. By the Bettie Page I mean the winner's trophy the "Green Jacket" of Club 506. The Bettie Page is pictured at below.

As you can see one of my duties during my last tenure as champion was too teach the Pope how to play online poker. Funny guy that pope, man could he run a bluff - god rest his soul.

So the official Club 506 2006 Tournament Results are:

1. Shiny 2. Xavryn (2nd year in a row in 2nd the oddly named one will not be happy) 3. The Experience 4. Fancy Hands 5. The Carny 6. Fat Chris 7. The Old Man 8. TFB.

My win was an upset to the poker world. The official line had me listed as a 6-to-1 favorite to win it all with Xavryn the leader of the pack at 3-to-1. Xavryn and I played heads up for quite a while, both of us exhibiting an iron will and mad poker skills. I knew it was going to take a crazy hand to get all his chips in the middle.

On the third to last hand I raised out of the small blind with pocket sixes. A middle pair is a decent starting point heads up and a raise introduces a good bit of confusion and makes it difficult for your opponent to put you on a hand. Xavryn calls my raise. The flop comes five, eight, Jack. I check. Xavryn bets. At this point I think he is ahead but he has been bluffing me out of a lot of pots and I did raise pre-flop so I call.

The turn is a nine. So now I have an open ended straight draw and a low pair. I have 10 outs with the four fours and four nines and two sixes equaling salvation. I call Xavry's bet again thinking that he has a pair and does not have a straight. The river comes and it is a nine. This glorious nine is probably the luckiest card I've ever pulled. See not only did the nine give me the straight but it gave Xavryn two pair, Jacks and Nines. I immediately go all in. Xavryn really has no option here but to call and he does. I win the hand and leave him with 10 chips to my 390. I take the victory two hands later. It was extremely lucky and opportunistic but I'll take it.

So I have now spent more days in the Bettie Page than any other player at Club 506. Xavryn has won the most championships and I am tied with Fancy Hands for second most with two but the Bettie Page wasn't introduced until two years ago. Bettie and I just seem to have a thing for each other. I sure hope I can keep her entertained.

The Cards Speak

2006-03-29T17:26:00.000-05:00

Serve Beer. This is a must read for anyone interested in playing poker for life. Incredibly intelligent, this guy needs to come and speak at my next bachelor party.

My Obsession with 9-4 Off.

2006-03-27T19:32:00.000-05:00

9-4 off has been lighting me up again. I was playing a freeroll, taking a moment to work on my Money for Nothin' stake before heading down to help clean the poker room, and I caught 9c 4d. A couple of Friday Night Poker regulars were hanging out, and we had been joking about my previous 'lucky hands' so everyone stopped to watch the fun. Not only had I gotten terrible cards, but I was first to act. Knowing full well that I was making a mistake, I called them. Some joker playing from position raised over top, but it was cheap, and it's a good move when everyone else just limps in, so I can't really blame him. I can still call him names, though. I called his raise, too. Now I've got 12 chips in a pot of about 50, and a couple of really crappy cards. You'd think, at this point in my life, I'd be smarter than this.

For those of you that don't know. The freeroll sit-n-go at Everest is a 10 person limit game. The starting stake is 100, blinds start at 1/.50 and go up every 4 minutes. Basically you get 2 hands at every level until most of the players have dropped out. The trend is to auto-raise, as most of the players are inexperienced and aggressive. If you an experienced player, or have at least learned how to fold, it's not difficult to come in the money. The game pays a total of 10 cents, so we're not talking big money action here.

Now I'm sitting on 9-4 off, first to act, with one quarter investment in a pot that is worth half my stake. The flop drops Ah Ts 5c. Oh well, superstition is silly, and it's only a freeroll. I check, the next to act bets, and the player from position raises. As I am positioning the mouse to fold, The Experience leans over my shoulder and says, "What are you doing? You can fill out that straight."

Whatever.

The god that rules the poker table is a trickster. After all that. After foolishly calling cards that I know can't win. After laughing off the loss of stupid money and putting up with the peanut gallery. After chiding myself for treating random coincidence as if there was such a thing as fate, I fold. The god of poker must have a great sense of humor, because at this point he turns to his friends and says, "Wait, wait. Watch this. This will be funny."

The turn is 3s.

The river is 2s.

Son of a bitch.

Money for Nothin': the official rules

2006-03-23T08:54:00.000-05:00

O.k. Looks like we've got a couple of takers so I figured I should make some official rules.

The basic idea is simple. See how much money you can make with a start of $0.00. I'm working on Everest Poker, which you can join by clicking on the link. There may be other poker sites that offer the ability to make actual cash on a freeroll. In fact I know that there are multi-tournaments on several other sites that have that available, but Everest is the only one I know of that has a 10 player freeroll sit-n-go that pays actual cash, however insignificant.

One small wrinkle: last night I logged back on to Everest to discover I had five extra cents. I had started the previous day with a $0.00 balance and had won three cents. When I logged on, however, the account had $0.08 in it. I do not know where the extra nickel came from. There is no record of it, but bonus on Everest is paid out in very small increments, so I suspect this is bonus of some sort. I made an effort to correct the error, but it didn't work out. In response to this I've decided on a bonus rule that allows it to be used for play, but not be included as part of the final competition. I don't think it will make much difference in the long run, and it would be impossible to correct for in any case.

Say, for instance, Peek buys in to a no limit ring game with his entire stake of $25 and plays for several hours. Then, in his drunken stupor, he goes all in and loses everything. Back in the lobby he discovers he now has $0.57 in bonus earned from that session. It is unreasonable to expect him to not use that money to start over again. His statistics, however, would put him at zero. I'll still be keeping track of the bonus by default, simply due to the difference between the total account and the amount won.

However, now I need a vote. Do I keep the twenty cents gained by that extra nickel I discovered yesterday, or is it forfeit because I've made this new rule adjustment. Anyone who pipes in gets a vote. I'll break a tie if necessary.

Here, finally, are the official rules:

You must start with $0.00 in the account. You may not add money to the account at any time. All wins and losses played on your chosen online poker provider must be included in your statistics. So make sure you use a poker-room other that your favorite. The one I chose is Everest Poker. You can use two different sites if you want to and your total winnings will be added together.
You should report all wins and losses. I will be keeping track of statistics as well as final amounts. Simply email me occasionally a list including: Poker-room, game played (SnG, Multi, or Ring), buy in amount, fee amount (for tourneys), number of players (or seats for ring games), what you placed (tourney only), the amount you won (or left with for ring games), the current balance of your account(s), and, if possible, the approximate amount of time played. To do this, send an email to me here. Remember to report all games, even the freerolls you lost.
Bonus. Bonus does not count toward player statistics, and does not count for the final tally. However, you are allowed to use bonus for play. It will be tracked separately.

Here are the stats as they stand so far:

Name:	Current Winnings:	Player Percent:	Win Percent:	Average per Game:	Average per Hour:	Bonus:
T.F.B.	?$0.08?	?23%?	?67%?	?$0.03?	?$0.04?	???
Xavryn	$0.05	10%	100%	$0.05	no data	$0.00
Shiny	$0.02	30%	100%	$0.02	no data	$0.00

Cigar Jack's Flavor Wheel

2006-03-22T09:58:00.000-05:00

I've been smoking since I was 16. Surprisingly enough I didn't start with cigarettes, I started with cigars. Back in the day we'd smoke whatever we could con the gas station attendant into selling us, or the stogies we managed to swipe from our fathers. I was in college before I developed any kind of palate. By no means an aficionado, I decided I prefer maduro tobacco and a cooler smoke. For some reason, I also prefer the tapered cigars: curly-heads, torpedoes, and pyramids. That may just be a Freudian thing, however.

Recently I came across an excellent cigar blog, Cigar Jack. There is some good writing, and great reviews, in the archives, but the best info Jack ever provided went up earlier this month. It's a cigar tasting wheel.

It may look simplistic, but this is the best tool for the cigar lay-enthusiast since the invention of the wooden match. Jack states, "This should help you identify the flavors in a cigar easier," but it does so much more. It lets you identify the cigar you want to smoke. Chose the flavors you like, match them with the descriptive on the interior and start browsing the shelves. No longer faced with trying to guess what the two sentence description provided by the seller is trying to say, now I know "A very smooth earthy smoke with notes of cedar and a light espresso flavor," is a cigar that I am interested in, and "Floral overtones with a strong citris finish," is not.

"Twenty minutes of sweet followed by a robust climatic finish," sounds like Sunday afternoon sex with a couple of sorority girls. Who wouldn't be interested in that?

Money for Nothin', chips for free.

2006-03-21T01:48:00.001-05:00

The 9-4 off did it to me again. Not as dramatic as the first time, but this time it was first thing out of the gate. There is no reason to call that thing, and yet...

I've got to remember to play that stupid hand if it's cheap. Just in case.

I decided to go a little crazy and put myself to a bit of a test. I pulled all my cash off of Everest. I'm going to start from $0.00. See where it can take me. Everest offers a freeroll sit-n-go. Ten person limit; blinds go up every 4 minutes. On a Sunday afternoon you can't get a seat, but at 1 am Tuesday morning it's not that hard.

The first hand on the first of the freerolls I catch 9s 4c. I fold it, of course, and you can see the result. A few hands later I watch the chipleader chase something to the river until he has pulled the stack in front of the raiser down to 3 chips. The blinds are 3-6 at this point so three is not even a full bet on the river. The pot sits in the mid 90s. The raiser puts his three chips in. The chipleader folds. He didn't call a bet of 3 on a pot of 100. He is an idiot. Game 219202482.

I end that one in fourth.

Fold your way to victory. I think that may be the key. The blinds go up rapidly. The bets seem to be on auto-raise. Make a nest-egg early, if you can. Once the blinds start going up, wait out the idiots. The next game plays out almost perfectly.

9h Td off, flops a 6s 8h Qd. It's not going anywhere, particularly not with a 3h on the turn, but it's the first hand so the price is cheap, and technically it's an outside draw. Js on the river brings it all together and late position means I can bring the pot up a little. Second hand the blinds are still low, and 9s 5s seems almost reasonable, particularly when the flop drops 3c 6c 4h. 2d on the turn and I'm feeling pretty good. I bet it, and at this point anyone paying attention should be folding. Instead a couple raise back at me. 9h on the river helps no one but me. Oh yeah, and one other guy that splits the pot with me. There's always got to be one.

Now is the time to adopt the 'fold your way to victory' lifestyle. It's easy enough to do with the 9 3 off. Wouldn't you know it, the flop presents a pair of 3s and I miss out on another earner. Blinds have gone up, though, and Ac 8c with 2d 6h 8d on the flop presents a tough choice. The turn brings a King and I'm out. Hopefully this little run of cards has cooled, cause it's getting more expensive to play the draw. Yep, someone stays in with a 6 8 off and would have had me. Definitely time to back off the trigger a bit.

Sixth hand we have our first all in. On a pair of deuces, no less. He loses to the pair of sevens, which is mildly ironic. The four minute blind with ten at the table means we get two hands per level if we're lucky. Auto-raising seems to be a way of life down here. I'm at 150 and the big blind just passed. Blinds are 5-10. Now let's see what waiting can do. Only three people have heavy stacks, and I'm in third.

It's the tenth hand. Three are all in and it's the chipleader that wins. Big Slick. Now there are five; third pays. By the time the blind gets back around to me it's doubled, and I'm in the money.

30 hands later with a halfway decent player and I'm up $0.03. I'm not sure the extra penny was worth the wait. I think the key is to push aggressive once you're in the money. If you can catch a couple of cards you can maybe go for the nickel, but otherwise just get out and start a new game.

Three cents; I'm on my way. Anyone else interested in trying to build a poker stake from scratch, let me know. I'll post a chart of our progress. If I can con Shiny or Fancyhands into it, I'll get them to pipe in, too.

Carbon Burn the Cowboy Leg.

2006-03-20T13:19:00.000-05:00

Check out this interesting menu. Although I'm always interested in new and exciting dishes, I think I'll pass on the "Carbon burns black bowel (A)". The "Fuck the salt (beautiful pole) duck chin" sounds interesting though, and "Lthick mordacity" is a fantastic name for a restaurant if I ever heard one. Special thanks to Enrico Palazo.

Unicorns, Leprechauns, and Steak & Kidney Pie

2006-03-16T21:51:00.000-05:00

There are few cultures in the world that give us more pervasive myths that the British. Confused teens dance cry 'druid' and dance in sky-clad circles to the beat of the socially awkward drum, and Loch Ness is oversold while Area 51 continues its tourist dollar slump. Small wonder when Empire de Britannia once covered half the Western World, and all of the Eastern one. Pound Sterling is King, but his reign is based on a pack of lies. My wife and I took a trip to London last week, and I feel it's time to debunk some of the most powerful British legends since Arthur bent Gwen over the table round.

There is no such thing as Steak & Kidney Pie. It doesn't exist, at least not in London. Go ahead. Ask for it. Every barman I spoke with hemmed and hawed and speculated as to the availability of this elusive treasure in some forgotten northern county, but not one managed to produce. In fact, most pubs offer 'pie of the day' of a flavor identical to the offering at every other pub. As corporate UK apparently discovered the value of the four pound pint years ago, every local is the now the subsidiary of a few High Street entrepreneurs. You'll still find Proper English Breakfast, and Fish & Chips complete with fresh frozen mushy peas, but there is no percentage in sweetbread. Steak & Kidney Pie has gone the way of the Dodo.

Other myths abound. Their teeth are fine, as is the food. Despite what John Cleese has said in the past, they are not all that repressed. One of the most evil tales, however, seems pitched to keep the bastards out, much as Iceland earned its moniker.

Beer is not served warm. Who has been taking this proverbial piss, anyway? Whoever he is, he's been having us on. For Harry's sake, most beer containers sport 'best served chilled', as if the English brewer fears his own countryman to simple to pop the bottle in the icebox. While only a couple of the restaurants actually pulled out the frosty mug, malted beverages are served significantly below room temperature. The British understand that warm is for tea and cold is for beer, despite rumors to the contrary.

In fact, I met a monger grinding his rumor mill outside the Tate Modern last week. A young Dutch gentleman with a tape deck and a cock and bull story about 'research' pushed into our conversation with his little microphone and asked us how we felt about the foreigners. Surprisingly enough, my wife whipped out her best public school accent and informed him that most were fine, but what we really couldn't stand were the pushy Americans. While this may skew the numbers on his thesis, it finally put to rest the myth that the English are the only ones with a dry sense of humor.

2006-03-04T13:44:00.000-05:00

On Average, That Fat Bastard Would Sell Out For

$983,755

Just in case you were wondering.

At What Price Would You Sell Out?

Pimping with Pride

2006-03-03T13:06:00.000-05:00

Finally, the world has embraced what That Fat Bastard has always known: The Pimp is the Thing.

Far too often your friendly neighborhood Pimp has gotten a bad rap from the Culture Police. They raise the specter of illegality, object to the objectification of women, and feign injury over the occasional drive-by shooting, while completely missing the point. Gone is the misleading image of a violent jerk that enslaves unwilling women in an illegal sex-trade. The Pimp is cool. The Pimp is style. The Pimp is everything we, as self-important free-market capitalists yearning to breath free, want to be.

The Pimp is America.

Thankfully, due to recent changes in cultural iconology embracing the work begun by J. J. Walker, Antonio Fargas, and Rick James, Pimp is not just another name for your baby's daddy. Pimp is a definition of style, and a goal to be reached. Pimp is something you can strive for. You can Pimp your ride, Pimp your crib, or purchase Pimpin' threads. If you're stuck working for the Man, you can even Pimp your cubicle. In fact, if you own it, do it, wear it, smoke it, suck it, play it, blog it, name it, time it, dress it, or drink it, you can Pimp it.

Tuesday Morning at the Felt

2006-02-28T11:32:00.000-05:00

I'll be honest with you. I've been feeling crappy all week, and Jessi and I are headed to London next Wednesday, and the last thing I need is to be sick on vacation, so I took a day off to relax. That's not the honest part. The honest part is that I'll be playing online poker the whole time, and I've been thinking about taking a day off to do that anyway.

I started at Everest Poker. I had about $12 on the account there. (Like I said, we're going to London next week so I pulled most of my stake off for spending money.) I signed up for the Chip & a Chair multi, sat down at a $5+$.50 six seat no-limit sit & go, and put $5 on a $.10 no-limit ring game to kill time while I waited for the tournaments to start. I couldn't catch crap on the regular table, so I was down to $4.55 once the other two tables were up and running. No big whoop.

The sit & go started first. I was big blind with QJ off, and caught top pair on the flop, so I bet the pot and showed my hand when the table crapped out. Then I played tighter then my prom date until I felt I had established a rep.

The multi I played the other way. I played loose the first couple of hands and pressed a crappy draw with just a couple of callers. I missed the draw, of course, and the guy that stuck it out won with a middle pair of sevens. This paid off immediately, as two hands later I caught top two pair and check raised on the flop. Here's the thing. If you've got Four Tits, and the flop shows you both of the only two overcards available, and someone check raises into you, don't call. I don't care how loose he may have been a couple of hands back, he's got it, and you're going down like a Chi Omega at a late night mixer. This hand tripled me up. You have got to love Big Slick.

With a decent stake on the multi, I devoted my time to the sit & go again. I purchased a couple of blinds on my reputation while I marked the guys that were going to stake me to the finish. You know the ones I mean. They start out loose and fast, and because there are a couple of them at the table, one of them builds an early stake. At this point the chipleader should change his play, but he can't. He's too excited by winning, and he's positive he's a better player than everyone else. He must be. Look at all the chips he's got.

I marked the guy sitting opposite, let's call him Ivan, as a likely target. He was up to 175 and just kept putting on the pressure. He particularly liked to purchase from position. So, when I caught pocket rockets in mid-field I just called them, knowing Ivan would take care of me. True to form he bet the pot from position. I raised over top to get any other stragglers off the board. Now here is where Ivan made his second mistake, his first being taking a seat at the table. He re-raised over top of me and pushed me all in! I have just established that I'm not going to be bullied with what is effectively a check-raise. What asinine thought process makes pushing me all in look like a good idea? Does he think I'm going to fold under the pressure? This is the reason Ivan, and all his brethren, make good playing partners. They assume everyone plays just as crazy as they do. Needless to say, the idiot had K3 off, doubled me up, and whimpered off into the morning a hand or two later, mumbling under his breath about the fat bastard that gets lucky with a lousy pair of Aces. Moron.

At this point the game played out pretty much as expected. With half the chips on the table, and five players left, I loosened up a little and let a couple of righteous draws feed my pile while the shorter stacks battled it out for second. Once there were just the two of us I got even looser and raised any face card pre-flop until he caught on. At that point I switched back and let him try and bully me back until I caught the right cards. One Pocket pair of Kings and it was all over.

At this point I switched back to the multi. I was up to 700, with 30 players left out of the original 200. Now the blinds switched to 15/30 with a 2.50 ante. Here is where I start to have a problem. This late in a tourney I'm a big fan of tightening up and letting the other players beat themselves. With an ante, however, it is no longer free to simply sit and wait. This provides an added pressure that, quite frankly, I don't need. I stuck around on some stupid connectors because of the pressure until I realized what I was doing, then tightened back up again. At this point, however, it was too late. My stack was cut in half when I caught a pocket pair at small blind. One all-in and the multi was over. I was in the money, but that's not saying much when the buy-in is just a dollar. Oh well, it was much needed practice. I definitely need to work on my ante game.

Now my account is at $28.60 and it's time for lunch. Better then double isn't bad for 11 am.

The Passing of The Old Man

2006-02-27T11:42:00.000-05:00

It is with sadness and respect that That Fat Bastard salutes Darren McGavin, who died Saturday at the age of 83. Best know for his portrayal of The Old Man in A Christmas Story, Mr. McGavin epitomized everything that symbolizes That Fat Bastard.

On that note, I thought I'd take a moment to explain what it means to be That Fat Bastard. We all know someone who qualifies. He's the guy who's always there, drinking at the bar, playing at the poker table, or just hanging out with the boys. Even if you don't know his name, you recognize him. He's boisterous, loud, and obnoxious in a friendly manner. He's got blue-collar tastes, but can hang with the champagne crowd. There is a beautiful girl on his arm, and no one knows how she got there. He's not famous; he's never the celebrity, but he's the B-list sidekick that helps the A-list shine. The details may differ from bastard to bastard, but you'll know him when you see him. He's Friar Tuck. He's Lou Costello. He's Danny Devito. He's Darren McGavin.

If you had seen him on the street you would have recognized Mr. McGavin. You may not have said anything at the time, but later on, over a couple of beers, you'd have bragged to your friends that you'd run into the dad from that Chirstmas movie. "You know, the movie with the BB gun and that leg lamp. What was his name?"

Although he's remembered for that role, Mr. McGavin played a lot more than just The Old Man. His career spanned 50 years, as well known characters from Mike Hammer to Kolchak, and he worked with house-hold names like Bob Hope, Steven Spielberg, Adam Sandler, and Frank Sinatra.

So we at That Fat Bastard salute Darren McGavin. Here's to The Old Man!

She Wants Revenge

2006-02-20T13:47:00.000-05:00

Last night my wife and I went to Cat's Cradle to see She Wants Revenge. I've been recommending the album to anyone that would listen, and will supplement that by adding the live show to the "Hell Yes!" list.

Originally scheduled to be the opener, someone must have switched up the schedule at the last minute. First on stage was Rock Kills Kid, out of Los Angeles. They've got nice drive. While not what we were there for, the music was enjoyable and danceable, and Jessi and I got started with both. She Wants Revenge ended up playing second. They should have been headlining, considering the airplay they've been getting on Sirius, and the recent Letterman appearance, but the date had been scheduled months in advance, and this way I got to go home early and make sweet, if sweaty, love down by the fire. The set lasted about an hour; all the tunes came straight from the album. Considering the album has only been out a couple of weeks, this is not necessarily a bad thing. They finished with the crowd pleaser "Tear You Apart", a driving, post-punk take on high school romance. The only disappointment was that "Monologue", my current favorite from the album, was missing from the playlist. I'm sure I'll get over it.

The music was non-stop, with few comments from the band between songs, other than occasional one-liners from DJ Adam 12 (Adam Bravin) filling a couple of short breaks for technical considerations. Besides his comic timing, Adam's ability with the keyboard and guitar is phenomenal, as well. The eerie "Disconnect" providing a superb counterpoint to the rest of the driving performance. Frontman Justin Warfield provides "rough-sex poetry" that is intense and raw, combining cutting vocals with superb lyrics. The set was more than just a recap of the album, it was an extension of their musical philosophy, and an introduction to an enthusiastic audience. Definitely a must see; Jessi and I will make a point of going anytime they are in town.

Guns & Ammo

2006-02-16T14:16:00.000-05:00

Yes, everyone is doing it. Making fun of Vice President Cheney's recent hunting accident is an easy way to get a laugh. Forgive me, but that is basically shooting ducks in a barrel. However, despite the media's exhaustive coverage of the slowness of the White House response, and the pundits exhausting pontificating, the important points of this particular accident seem to have been missed.

In fact, the closest one to the mark so far has been Janet Shamlian of NBC. She noted, in one of her articles, how hunting takes the place of golf for the Good Ol' Boys. She even quoted a couple of 'em regarding the social necessity of skill with the 12 gauge, as opposed to the 9 iron, for Texas businessmen.

"I frequently take clients on hunting trips," says Bill Swisher, a securities industry executive in Dallas. "I can learn a great deal about an individual while hunting."

For god's sake, does the media need it handed to them on a platter. The point of this incident is not that Big Dick didn't tell the media. It's not even that he shot a lawyer, funny as that may be. The lesson we, as citizens of the richest republic in the world, should be taking away from this ribald occurrence is what we have learned about the Vice President's character.

First of all, the lawyer in question is no taller than 6', maybe 6'2". At 30 yards, or even 30 feet, the fact that Dickie got him mainly in the chest indicates that the gun was being held with no upward inclination when the trigger was fired. In fact, in his interview, the VP stated, "There was a little bit of a gully there, so he was down a little ways before land level." In other words, the Big Dick was aiming at the ground. What kind of unsporting ass shoots quail on the ground? You might as well hunt chickens at that point.

Secondly, George W's junior stated, "I didn't see it at the time I shot, until after I'd fired." So the Vice President of the United States of America appears to be comfortable pulling the trigger without actually checking where the weapon is pointing. Considering the situation in Iraq at the moment, I guess this is old news.

And finally, in the words of the ever wise Xavryn, the American Liberal News Media reported that Cheney's demeanor at dinner that night was "worried." If it had been anyone else, the demeanor after shooting a friend in the face would have been, "at the hospital, eating out of a vending machine."

Ambushed

2006-02-09T00:41:00.000-05:00

I am adding a new t-shirt to the Warehouse. Cafe Press just started offering a black t-shirt, and I have just the art for it. A celebration of our great nation. I really like the fact that the 'am' and the 'ed' are invisible from a distance. Makes for a nice statement. I had done the graphic months ago, I just had nowhere to put it. It doesn't work the same on white.

There was a request for a Mr. Anderson wife-beater, the other day. Apparently, Cafe Press is not currently offering a classic men's wife-beater. A soon as they do I'll let you know.

Nuer Sawan: Heavenly Beef

2006-02-05T17:39:00.000-05:00

There are times in your life that you will remember forever, even though they contain no life changing events. Moments that are nothing special by themselves, but which contain some item, some object, some action, some thing that makes an impermiable impression. One of my moments is the one in which I tasted the greatest snack food ever invented: Heavenly Beef. It's the coriander that makes it.

Ingredients:

1 lb lean beef

2 ts ground coriander seeds

1/2 ts ground cumin - coarse

1 tbs fish sauce

1/2 c sugar

3 tbs rice wine

Directions:

Slice the beef thin. Use a slicer if you've got one. Get the butcher to do it. We're talking really thin here. Potato chip thin.
Mix all other ingredients until smooth. This is the marinade. Marinade the beef in it. If you don't have enough to cover everything use more rice wine. If you use more than a half cup of wine then you are doing it wrong. Marinade at least overnight, but not more then 3 days. 20 minutes will be fine if you are in a rush.
Dry the beef. Use a paper towel to wipe off the excess marinade first. Then dry it somehow. Most Thai cookbooks* recomend putting it on wire racks and "drying it in the sun." This makes me think of flies. I use one of those food dehydrator things you can buy in the middle of the night. The Thai cookbooks** warn against over drying, but I haven't had any problem yet. I'll let you know if I do.
Fry the beef. I have heard that a Fry Daddy is good for this, but I can't confirm or deny this. Use peanut or some other sort of vegetable oil, as olive oil can't cook it hot enough. About 1/4 of oil in the frying pan heated until it just shimmers, if you decide to go that route. Keep the oil hot enough to fry without getting the beef to greasy. Set aside on paper towels to drain.

Serves 4-6, cool, 1-2 still warm.

* At least that's what I've been told they say. I don't actually read Thai.
** Again, so I've been told.

Me and TFB

2006-02-02T15:07:00.000-05:00

Okay so the stage was set. It was a Club 506 bimonthly tournament. No Limit Texas Hold'em was the game, heads up was the format. After dispatching with two worthy foes I found myself in the third round and one round from the money. The loser of this third round match-up would be the last one out before the payouts started and the winner would be in a commanding 3-to-1 chip position heading into the final table match-up.

So I had one last mountain to climb before taking down the top prize. That mountain was in the form of That Fat Bastard. TFB and I have played a lot of poker against each other over the past couple of years and I would say that we are pretty evenly matched but I was feeling good about my game on this particular day and I was certain that I would take him down.

I've been reading a lot of poker books recently and I have to say that the books definitely improve your game if you can incorporate the strategies and tactics recommended. Two Plus Two Publishing has a number of great titles and at some point in the future I'll try to publish some reviews. Suffice it to say that anything by Dave Sklansky is worth the money.

The most impactful thing that I learned from my recent reading was to further narrow in on starting hand selection. I realized that I've been playing way too many cards in tournament settings. Now, heads up is a little different because truly any two cards can win. But trying to get a return on my book investments I decide I'm going to play TFB tight and sit until I get a good starting hand and try to get all his chips in the middle.

So we trade a few pots back and forth and we are essentially even in chips when I catch the ladies, QQ. This is the situation for which I've been waiting. I mechanically triple the big blind. Astonishingly, TFB comes over the top with a raise. I can't believe my good fortune. I'm certain I have him beat since his style would have been to call and run a trap if he had a monster hand such as AA or KK.

I immediately call an all in. This is where it gets interesting. TFB is really weighing his options. He has enough chips left to stage a rally if he folds but for some reason he just can't let his cards go. He struggles to speak and when he does he mutters "I call." This is quickly followed by "Did I just say I call? I can't believe I just called."

We both flip our cards and he is behind with a K-10 of hearts to my pair of ladies. By using any poker calculator such as the one on Card Player Magazine's web site you can figure out that QQ will beat K-10 suited 67% of the time. Virtually every poker strategy book, blog, essay will say to lay down the K-10 and I know TFB knows this. But why then did he call? Even he was surprised that he called and he knew it was the wrong technical decision to make.

However, I think TFB was acting on a moment of clairvoyance. You won't find any theories in poker books of how to play when you just simply know you are going to win. No amount of mathematics, theory, odds calculations or intellectualization can account for the simple idea of gut instinct. Sometimes, and if you play a lot of cards you know what I am talking about, you just know you are going to win. Math geniuses writing poker books don't leave room for chance when dissecting odds and strategy and the thought of the unknown frightens them. But TFB being a fairly enlightened individual isn't afraid to let the poker gods speak through him. System of a Down talks about this same concept in non-poker terms in their song Science. If you replace the words "mother earth" with "Shiny's Two Queens" it makes a lot of sense.

So TFB calls the all in on a hunch, a gut instinct, a moment of clairvoyance. He essentially makes the wrong move at the right time and it pays off big. After an uneventful flop that diminished his flush draw he caught a king on the turn and a 10 on the river to make two pair and dominate my now lonely queens.

The lesson: the wrong move at the right time dictated by gut instinct is as powerful a poker tool as any.

I congratulated TFB, cursed the ladies and watched him take down the first place prize in the next round.

Llama on the Half Shell

2006-01-24T14:30:00.000-05:00

I picked up a venison ham the other day. I got it from my brother in law, who seems to have gotten it off the back of a truck somewhere. It had been treated none to gently, and the steaks I had gotten with it were too gamey to be trusted to anything less then medium well, which is a crime unto itself. So I figured I'd smoke the ham.

I cured it in a sugar brine and, in celebration of the season, I added a package of cranberries. Loaded the hotbox of the Grillmaster 5000 with hickory chips, smoked it at 200 degrees for about two and a half hours, and then finished it up, covered, in a 325 degree oven.

Mmmmmmm... Smoky Goodness.

Today, however, I discovered the motherload: Exoticmeats.com. Sure, we have all enjoyed the occasional buffalo burger, or sampled ostrich while on honeymoon in Aruba, but when is the last time you grilled up a 2" yak steak, or had Outback Jambalaya with kangaroo and alligator? Not recently enough, that's for damn sure.

Some of the meats are a little pricey; rattlesnake goes for $39.95 a pound, and a 5 lb. rack of elk will set you back $126.15. Others are pretty reasonable, however, and where else are you going to find wild boar bacon or llama top sirloin? They require a $95 minimum order, so it's not something I'm going to be doing just because I've got a taste for reindeer steak. Understandably, considering dry ice, refrigeration, and specialty insulation packs, shipping is a bit pricey, too. The shipping for my wish-list order of 5 lbs of boar bacon, jerky snack pack, whole pheasant, and kangaroo sausage came to $67.50, bringing my total up to $173.87. The wish-list of exotic meat is going to have to wait, I suppose. At least until next paycheck. For now, anyway, I'll just have to substitute regular pork for my Wild Boar Korean Meatballs.

Until then... Smoked venison anyone?

Outback Jambalaya

2006-01-24T01:00:00.000-05:00

Ingredients:

1 pound alligator fillet, cut into 1" cubes

1 pound kangaroo sausage, in 1/2" slices

olive oil

1 large onion, chopped

1 large bell pepper, chopped

1/3 cup chopped celery

3-6 garlic cloves, minced

3 small cans of tomato paste

1 28 oz. can tomatoes, chopped

8 cups dark chicken stock

½ cup chopped green onion

2 tsp each: red pepper, black pepper

1 tsp each, white pepper, oregano

1/2 tsp thyme

2 bay leaves

salt to taste

4 cup uncooked long-grain, white rice

Directions:

In a 4-quart heavy pot, brown the kangaroo in a little olive oil. Set aside.
Saute onion, bell pepper, garlic, and celery in olive oil until the onions become transparent. In the same pot, add the tomato paste and let it pince, or let it brown a little. This adds additional depth by caramelizing the sugars in the tomato paste, deepening the flavor and color. Keep stirring so that it browns but doesn't burn.
Deglaze the pot with 2 cups of stock, stirring until the mixture is smooth.
Stir in seasonings, tomatoes, green onions, and salt to taste. Cook for 10 minutes. Add meat, and cook for an additional 10 minutes. Add the remaining stock, stir, and adjust seasoning.
Add rice. Cook covered until liquid is absorbed, about 20-25 minutes. Remove cover, turn stove down to low-med, and simmer for 10 minutes or so to thicken.
Pour yourself a drink, and enjoy!

Serves 4-6

What the Xxxx Gives with Poker Cursing?

2006-01-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

I love poker. I play in a regular Friday night house game and I play online. While the cards are the same (random online card generators in my opinion seem pretty legit) there are a few differences in playing behind the anonymity of the computer and face-to-face with some friends.

Not being able to see the other players and read their body language is one difference but that is well documented and ultimately should make you a better player but that is another discussion for another day. No, the biggest difference between my regular game and online is hands down the cursing.

Am I the only one that finds it odd that poker sites that harbor their servers and information offshore to skirt domestic gambling laws don't allow cursing in game chat rooms? Offshore poker companies on the very fringe of societal legitimacy censoring curse words? Sounds like a xxxxing fascist Cuss Control plot to me.

One of the more entertaining parts of my regular game is the crass humor and of course the cursing. Granted we all know each other and there is little chance of anything escalating out of control but wouldn't that also be the case online? Online poker sites are simply depriving us of some wanton humor that would go a long way to killing some of the boredom that comes along with waiting for the nuts. And most sites also allow you to turn the chat off if you don't like being heckled. So what the xxxx gives?

You may also know from watching ESPN that the WSOP instituted a cursing rule this year. I believe it was a 10 minute leave from the table for the first offense, 30 minutes for the second and expulsion for the third. That's approximately $3,333.33 per F-Bomb if you're counting.

I guess we could blame all of this on Josh Arieh and being the metrosexual poster boy that he is, why not? It was at the end of the 2004 WSOP that after getting knocked out by Greg Raymer he told David Williams something to the effect of "bust this motherxxxxer out." What with Republicans in the control of the White House, Senate and FCC I guess ESPN and the WSOP wanted to tone things down a bit this year to keep the "gambling shows" more "family friendly."

Okay, so you might wonder why I care whether or not others can curse. Self admittedly I don't talk much when I play poker so the restrictions don't really bother me. But I love to have others talk and restrictions, especially online, are an unnecessary deterrent to other sharing the thoughts that are running through their brains.

I love it when I get heckled online. It usually means the other play is on tilt, near tilt or paying more attention to being clever than watching the cards and other players. It also gives a good indication of what type of player they are. For instance if player A plays a marginal hand and beats player B and player B then heckles Player A it is easy to deduce that Player B is also a marginal or sub par player.

We can deduce this because most good players know that if you find a fish and he takes a pot off of you with rags you should be silently licking your chops and verbosely congratulating him on his sound play.

I will occasionally play rags and show them just to see who harasses me. There is always the chance that the heckler is a good player and just a xxxx, but this seems rare. Most good players don't want to rattle the cage so to speak and never want to embarrass or chase a fish away.

So, Home Game Cursing = Fun, Online Cursing = Fish = Money. So let there be cursing Godxxxxit all to xxxx. Xxxxing A!

Staff Infection: Shiny

2006-01-20T12:00:00.000-05:00

That Fat Bastard would like to welcome Shiny to our staff. I've played with Shiny at Club 506 for about the last 2 years or so, and this is a guy that knows poker, biblically. He's a great guy, and that rash aught to clear up any day now.

The Politics of Gambling

2006-01-19T18:06:00.000-05:00

Harrah's 2004 Profile of the American Casino Gambler is intended as an exploration of the average gambler. We're not talking Stu Unger or Texas Dolly here. We're talking about the guy that works his job, pays his mortgage, drinks his beer, and, within the last year, has gone out of his way to visit a casino and lay a little money on the line. In other words, we're talking about That Fat Bastard.

It's an interesting study. In particular, I found the section in the middle, where they surveyed players at the World Series of Poker, extremely informative. Check out the section on "Tells" and note the difference between what the pros and the amateurs think is important. For the most part, though, it's a political document, intended to filter over to some congressman's aide or support some lobbyist's agenda. Filled with demographics, color coded maps, and bar graphs, it attempts to put a handle on the casino gambler. "This is That Fat Bastard," it says, "and here's why you should pay attention to him."

So, who is That Fat Bastard when we compare him to the average non-gambler, Johnny Safebet? The answer might surprise you. Gamblers trend Democratic while non-gamblers trend Republican, so no real surprise there. That Fat Bastard is more likely to indicate intent to vote then Johnny is, though, and he's less likely to care about issues like gay marriage and abortion, focusing instead on the economy and taxes. In fact, the report says, "Casino gamblers are more politically active than non-gamblers. They are more likely to have signed a petition (51% to 42%), to contribute money (26% to 19%), or to have attended a public meeting (19% to 15%) on behalf of a political candidate or cause." There's another statistic that should cause Washington to sit up and take notice: That Fat Bastard is more inclined (17% to 11%) to contribute money to political organizations then Mr. Safebet.

Score one for Fatty.

Not surprising is that casino gamblers are more likely to invest money, and more likely to be prepared financially for retirement. They're more likely to consult financial professionals and experts, and tend to more actively manage their finances then Johnny does, too. In fact, when the numbers come in, That Fat Bastard is more likely to be flexing his financial muscle. He travels more, eats out, pays to entertain himself, buys more cars, and then goes to a bar (39% to 22%) to wind down after a long day of spending his hard won money. The casino gambler is what this country needs. He's fuelling the economy while the non-gamblers sit at home complaining about the price of gas. He's taking a risk while Johnny Safebet waits for someone else to fix the problem.

That Fat Bastard is saving America, one bet at a time.

Pipe Dreams: Playing with the Big Dogs.

2006-01-17T18:14:00.000-05:00

There's an awful lot of information about Big Dog Cycles out there on the web. As for any modern company a web presence is important. Get the product out there, preferably in fantastic pictures and under fantastic women, and let the consumer dream of consummation. Big Dog is no exception; the internet teams with detail upon factiod. The Pitbull features a 300 mm rear tire that's fatter than I am. The brand spanking new K-9 stretches out to 9 feet. They all sport a 117 cu. in. OHV 45 Degree V-Twin. This is great information. I read the stats, and I admired the pictures. They are some good looking bikes. I am particularly fond of the lines on the Pitbull. It's a good looking bike. However...

Nothing can compare to sitting on one of these machines. I got a chance to take a test drive about a year ago. Screw the Pitbull; the Chopper was built with me in mind. Some designer somewhere said, "Look at that fat bastard, he needs a bike." Then they snuck into my studio one night when I was passed out on a saw horse, measured me from gullet to groin, and built a bike that fit me perfectly. I want to get one for the living room so I can truly relax while I watch television. It's incredible. It's like resting in your mother's womb, if her womb had 150 horsepower and her ass made noises like a rhinoceros raised on Indian food.

Sadly, I won't be buying one any time soon. Not unless I become a politician, or the guys at Club 506 suddenly forget how to play poker. But I'll continue to dream.

Galleries of Note: The Museum of Bad Art

2006-01-15T16:19:00.000-05:00

What can I say? There are collections that so encapsulate and define the movement they intend to record that the gallery itself becomes an artistic achievement. When the works themselves are simply pointillistic splotches in a cohesive whole that overwhelms the sum of parts the word "museum" seems, somehow, inadequate. This then, is a tribute to inadequacy.

The Museum Of Bad Art (MOBA), by it's own admission, is the world's only museum dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all its forms. The collection of portraiture is particularly poignant. From Lucy in the Field with Flowers to Sunday on the Pot with George the pieces resonate with artistic fervor and need. Countless hours can be spent in rapt contemplation of the unshaven vulnerability of Pauline Resting. Never before has a collection so stirred me. I'm going to need a moment alone.

Also, they have cool t-shirts.

Congratulations: Beer Pong Champion of the World

2006-01-12T13:56:00.000-05:00

It's official. We have a Beer Pong (also known as Beirut) Champion of the World. Jason Coben and Nick Velissaris, both 23, from Ann Arbor, Michigan, won the first ever World Series of Beer Pong, held at the Oasis Resort Hotel & Casino Convention Center in Mesquite, NV. Aside from the prestige, they walked off with a $10,000 pay-off (after the obligatory call home to Mom.)

And Mama said beer drinkin' didn't pay.

Our heartfelt congratulations go out to these fine athletes, as well as all the fierce competitors that ponied up to the table and dipped their balls in the foamy amber goodness.

To everyone else, it's time to get ready for next year.

Never Fold... Never Fold...

2005-12-29T00:08:00.000-05:00

Oh, the pain. The agony. One of the features I like about Everest Poker is the Statistics Bar in the upper right hand corner. It offers running commentary on any tournament you are in, statistics for your current table, and a recap of the previous hand.

It's the recap that can be oh, so, painful.

I had the 4 of diamonds and the 9 of clubs. There is no reason to stay in for that. I made the right move, except for the part where I would have made lots of money if I had stayed in. As a player I know that the best thing to do is to let the mucked cards go. But, sometimes...

... God Dammit!

Art: Statuary

2005-12-04T17:00:00.000-05:00

Every once and a while, you run across a piece of art that begs the question, "What was the artist thinking?"

This is not one of those pieces.

The first question that comes to mind with this excellent time piece is, "Where do I put it?" Followed shortly thereafter by, "Where will she put it?" Followed by 15 minutes of alone time, which is what the artist was thinking in the first place. That takes care of all relevant thought processes.

The piece is a fascinating combination of pop culture references. The French Maid herself is an homage to the bawdy thoughts of a bygone era. However, her anime features bring to mind the modern Hentai pleasures popular among those too socially awkward to have sex themselves. The very dildo she carries mimics her proportion and shape, implying she has but one use. Blushingly innocent as she may appear, the ball gag and paddle she carries reveal her inner knowledge of her own purpose. She is Everywoman as every man wishes her to be: powerful, independent, ready to spank, and constantly interested in fulfilling our fantasies. The single disappointing feature, the clock itself. Added to provide a practical purpose the young lady scarcely needs, it is as unnecessary as lingerie on a cheerleader. Yes, as long as it's there we'll look, but we would have been just as satisfied with out it.

That Bastard Johnny and his Brother

2005-12-03T22:00:00.000-05:00

The thing about Jacks is that they are bastards. Complete and utter bastards. When you are playing heads-up they're your friends, but with 5 to 9 other people at the table they are out to fuck you. And not in a good way. That's the truth.

The statistics put a pocket pair of Jacks right on the wire. There's a 57% chance the the flop is going to give you an over card. Worse then that there's a 76% chance the board will give you an over card. Basically, this makes Jacks the highest of the low pocket pairs. The natural reaction to recieving ppJJ is to play them fast. Push in early in hopes of kicking everyone else out fast. The problem is any hangers on are going to have an over card or two. At that point it's a coin flip. Say your prayers, make your peace with the dark lord, and hope the flop gives the Ace to the guy with Big Slick right after you catch the set.

There's tons of advice out there on how to play them. Play them fast. Play them slow. Be aggressive. Be careful. It's all the same, really, when cards come with as many sob stories as instruction manuals. Every poker player I've ever met has got a tale of two Johnnies. A friend swears that J-Birds are his nemesis, yet he'll raise pre-flop every time he sees them. He hates them, but the temptation is just too great to pass up.

But, then again, isn't life just like that.

Why the Dirty Librarian thing?

2005-11-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's not just me. Men, all over the world, love the Dirty Librarian. This has been proven. There have been studies. The Dirty librarian is a crowd pleaser. Her white blouse, buttons straining. The tight skirt. The stockings, with garter belt. Hair up in a bun that, you just know, will come down if one of you pulls out the right appliance. The glasses. Oh god, the glasses. Hopefully, she'll keep them on. The glasses, the garter belt, and the stockings. This is what a man wants to see spread out before him, like the perfect Vegas buffet. The girl, the glasses, the garter, and the stockings.

Mmmmm.

This isn't something new, either. Dirty Librarian has been around for a while, and we've got the tattoos to prove it. Even the action figure, while not quite Barbie when it comes to what's filling her plastic sweater, holds a special place in our hearts when it come time for G.I. Joe to drop trou' and get with the Kung Fu Action Grip.

Women love that we love her. They may scoff at our fetish, or even claim ignorance of our bibliotic obsession, but secretly they're pleased. This wanton longing for the smart girl gives them hope. Perhaps we aren't complete Neanderthals. If they realized as they raised their fingers, pursed their lips, and begin to blow, what passes through the minds off all men, they would never stop slapping us.

Ironically, delicious tales of the Dirty Librarian can be found even in her seductive fantasy land, where quietly, oh so quietly, she is going to stamp your card, and rock your world.

That Fat Bastard's Topless Casino.

2005-11-02T19:00:00.000-05:00

It was a good idea. Start a topless online casino. My only obstacle was lack of capital, and that's what poker is for. Sure, it would be nice to live in a small, entrepreneur-friendly, Caribbean republic, but that's just the bitter talking. There had to be a way.

As for "topless", what's the point otherwise? Seriously, everybody has got a casino. There's no point in playing the game unless you can provide, top quality, high class, entertainment. And, everyone knows, when you're talking high class quality, what you're really saying is topless, cartoon, blackjack dealers.

Then I found it. The Solution. Let some other guy run the games. I'll just customize the casino, run it from above, like James Caan in Las Vegas, only taller. And fatter. Soon, naked, cartoon croupiers would rule the world.

Alas, it was not to be. Not yet, anyway.

The software I found lacks the naked vixens that dance mercilessly through the cuckolds of my mind. In fact, I have yet to find anything larger then a hand, perhaps a forearm. Far to little flesh to practice my wiles upon. Then again, the Craps game is a nice place to try out systems without having to deal with drunks and poseurs, and the Pai Gao Poker doesn't suck. The minimum buy in is low, so I don't have to break the bank. The Match was there as soon as I made my deposit, no waiting.

So I made a fancy opening page, and stuck a couple of cartoon naked chicks in it. I mean, really, you might as well get an eyeful on the way in the door. Didn't feel right. Too green.

So I blogged it. Kept the naked chicks, of course, but otherwise I blogged it.

It's still a good idea.

That Fat Bastard's Warehouse

2005-10-31T04:22:00.000-05:00

Ah, happy days. I've started a store.

There's not much in it yet, but it's going great. We've got some apparel. Mostly, it's our Mr. Anderson line, but there are a couple of other pieces as well. More coming soon, I expect.

I've also come up with a line of SpeakEasy Beverages mugs. Fashioned in honor of the good ol' days when everything fun was illegal, and we all broke the law with impunity. I'd like to do a whole line of those, but currently I'm limited to three.

There should be more on the way, including Christmas Cards, more t-shirts, and possibly even a book.

We'll see.

Chip Tricks or Things to Do at Work

2005-10-27T17:43:00.000-04:00

Ah, Chip Tricks. We've all seen them on TV. Poker players in the big money game flipping, shuffling, and playing with their stacks of checks like a sorority girl twisting her bottle blonde locks. That's just television. It's hard to take that seriously. Then, one day, you're feeling cocky, sitting across the table from some Joe with two small stacks and he suddenly riffles those two stack of chips together into one big stack it's a shock. It's intimidating. Considering the amount of time it must have taken him to learn to do that, he must have been sitting at poker tables a long time, and, more importantly, he must have had access to stacks and stacks of chips.

That can't be good.

In fact, if you are going to find yourself in that situation at the poker table, it would be best to be the guy doing the chip tricks.

The Finger Roll isn't necessarily the easiest, but it's a good starting place. Using your thumb, push the chip up next to your pointer finger and let it drop. As it falls, use your index finger to catch the falling side and flip it over to the ring finger, and so on. Once you get to the pinky you can flip it into your palm and bring it back up at your thumb, or, more difficult but deeply satisfying, you can reverse direction and start the chip rolling back across the back of your hand. This took me ten months to learn.

Next up is the chip stack shuffle. With two small stacks of chips, I found four each, eight total, was about the right number to start, cage your hand over top and push them together with your index finger and your thumb. Now, using your pointer, lift the inner edges of the stacks and allow them to fall. If you push in just enough with your index finger and thumb, the checks will shuffle together, one after another. This is easier than it sounds once you figure out where to put your fingers. But, then again, what isn't?

The next one I tried is the Chip Flip. This one is pretty easy once you get the trick. You hold three chips in your hand with your first three fingers, like you're just about to ask them to turn to the side and cough. Then use your thumb to pick the outside one up and flip it back over the other two. Rinse. Repeat. Turns out I do this one like a stranger, 'cause I practice it at work all day so I learned to do it in my left hand.

The last one in the lesson for today is the the Center Drop with a Twist. I'm sure there is some far less lame name, but the website is down and I can't find out what it is. It's much easier to learn after mastering the flip. Holding the checks as before, allow the center one to drop out. You end up holding the first and third between your thumb and pointer, and the second between your pointer and ring. Using your index finger, rotated the bottom chip one hundred and eighty degrees. Your pinky should come up to catch it. Then slide it back up into second position.

How many times have you had to say that?

There are more, but I haven't figured out how to do them yet. The last one is easier after the flip, because the flip lines the chips up in such a way that the center drop is simple. In my opinion that is the most intimidating combination. It takes the least amount of set-up and can be done absentmindedly.

And that's the key, really. Absentmindedness. If you look like you are concentrating on the hand and your fingers are still doing flips, then you look like you must practice a lot. If you practice often, you must always have access to chips. Generally speaking, someone who always has access to chips is probably a good player. And, unless you are always catching the river, it is helpful to be thought of as a good player.

Even if you're not.

Art: Portraiture

2005-10-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

Holy Crap! I just found a portrait I did at some point in the past, and, going to guess here, while bored. It is awesome. Some of my best work, and that's not saying much. I love this guy. I am inordinately proud of this particular portrait, as well. It's not particularly flattering, but it's unkind in exactly the right way.

Dude.

Seriously, I have no idea when I did this. This is completely unexpected. Look at that adam's apple. The cocked eyebrow. The thickness in the glasses, I usually forget that. That earlobe.

Stunning. Keith, you are inspiring.

The Importance of Making Sausage.

2005-10-23T22:40:00.000-04:00

In honor of the addition of sausage to the Culture Pimp, not to mention buffalo burgers and mail order sushi, it's time to address cooking in the world of Pinguis Illegitimus. Cooking is essential. The ability to create fine cuisine from basics is not only beneficial for obvious physiological satisfaction, but also for it's effect in the ongoing courtship ritual that is life. The true bastard should, at the very least, be capable of lighting up the grill and judging the rarity of a two inch slab of meat, scrounging breakfast in bed for two, and creatively satisfying the late-night munchies with the ingredients immediately available. If fortune is smiling, he should be capable of all three in the same weekend.

Perhaps the finest online resource I have found so far is Cooks.com. I originally went looking for the proper temperature to bake Swedish meatballs, but stayed for the instructions for boiling an egg. Any recipe with a decent sense of humor is worth attempting. Sadly, I have yet to locate a convenient traffic light.

Also, Mrs. Beale may not have much of a sense of humor, but her tomato soup is a classic. Add grilled cheese. The trick is to cover the pan while toasting the first side, but not after the flip. But, of course, you already know that.

Also not to be missed is The Art and Practice of Sausage Making. It's good to know how to make your own sausage. When the world finally comes to and end, and we're all living in shacks, it's good to be a man that knows how to make something appetizing from the trimmings.

Finally, after three pounds of bratwurst and a pound of hot Italian sausage. One of the easiest ways to strengthen your hand is to level the playing field. The Super Pro, by Char-Griller, with '9 more features than any other grill', is a field of soft loam and wild flowers, bull-dosed flat with cupholders every twenty feet. Seriously, this is the greatest grill that ever lived. This is the elusive 'Grill-master 5000'. I cannot say enough about this grill.

Well, got to go. There's a cake in the oven.

Beirut. Seriously? Beirut?

2005-10-15T21:30:00.000-04:00

Beer Pong and Beirut are things I never knew enough about when I was in college. It's one of the few things I think I really missed out on. I'm a little confused by the reference to Beirut, but I suppose that will pass with time. The basic premise is that you bounce a ping pong ball into a glass of beer which the opposing team then has to drink. The first team to force their opponents to drink all the glasses of beer on the opposing side of the table wins. The winning prize being the opportunity to force your opponents to finish any of the remaining glasses of beer on your side of the table. It's one of those games where the point seems to be to lose. In fact, 'lose early, lose often' is my motto.

Apparently I occupy the minority. The game not only has rules, but rules that are nationally syndicated and subject to exhaustive explanation should a violation occur. For god's sake, there are brackets. Seriously, brackets.

Fortunately, the rules include an extensive section on when blowing is appropriate. I'm all in favor of that.

Once you've figured out when, and when not, to blow, and have become adept at getting others drunk, you are ready for the World Series of Beer Pong, or, possibly, to rush your local Delta chapter, whichever seems easier.

If you want to, you can build a bracket.

Nudie Playing Cards

2005-10-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

In honor of the picture from my original post, I decided to take a look at topless playing cards. I mean, really, who wouldn't?

I am sorry to say I was introduced to them late in life, after becoming jaded, instead of when I was a adolescent, when they would have been the Holy Grail of masturbatory fantasy. My first deck was a prop from a summer theatre production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest done when I was in graduate school. It was a classic 1950's deck. The women were teases, laying naked on a fieldstone fireplace, or just in a field somewhere. Casually draped cashmere sweaters, coincidentally hiding their nether regions just at the moment the picture was taken. Pornography at the peak of its innocence. You'd have to have a malted and see a Roger Corman film to appreciate the period more fully.

Times change. Modern cards, like French swimwear, leave little to the imagination. Following the lead of the rest of the porn world, the ladies stand on multi-colored sets, infinity drop blazing blue in the background. The practiced look of pure pleasure plastered on their faces as they practice tantric yoga, with or without accessories.

Playing cards are no longer solely devoted to the objectification of women, either. Now rock-hard studs, pelvises thrust forward, grasp their elephantine members and grimace at the camera, as if to say, "Three of clubs? I got your three of clubs right here, buddy." Couples, both mono and mixed gender, entertain and instruct the player on that many uses of cucumber. Even transsexuals, performing acts that are, pretty much, limited to transsexuals, grace the linen finish. Proving, once again, that every man's fantasy can be satisfied at a card table.

Which begs the question, just what are these playing cards being used for? I've played poker for about 15 years now, and cribbage and canasta (canasta with nudie cards, there is an idea whose time has come) for years before that, and never actually played with naked women staring up at me. If fact, the only time I've even seen men play poker with the Las Vegas Ladies is the aforementioned stage production, and that was more scripted than ESPN's Celebrity Poker.

The answer is collections. It must be. These cards are not to be sullied by everyday use. They are perfection. Entertainment that entertains. 52 moments of mouth-watering visual ecstasy brought together and arbitrarily assigned value. Aces smile provocatively as their full breasts redefine 'top pair', while the look on the face of the 7 of spades says she knows what it means to get played. Buy them now, show them to your friends, and then bury them in the dresser drawer for lonely Sunday afternoons. Or make your own, assuming you know 52 women (men, trannies, or whatever you're aiming for a pocket pair of) willing to lie down for a good cause.

Either way, ante up. Facials wild.

Ahhh... The Category Request

2005-10-13T18:43:00.000-04:00

I'm a fan of Blogspot. Don't get me wrong. But the one thing I would like to have is the ability to archive by topic, as opposed to simply by date. I'm still looking for a loophole a way to use the available options to get it to do what I want, much like my prom date, but I just haven't been able to figure it out yet. Again, much like my prom date. When I started this process, before I even found a provider, I made a layout of what I wanted to have. My intension is to have posts on a range of topics: Poker, Liquor, Women, Food, Cars, etc. These will be published on a whim, as I decide to pontificate on any particular subject. Willy nilly I embrace the Blog, much as I embrace life. Archive this rambling diatribe by date and the interested reader may never find the information he seeks. "Where," he might ask, "is that rousing treatise on Beer Pong?" If everything is archived by date the logical response is, of course, "who knows?" Organize the archives by topic, however, and the answer pleases the ear like the dulcet moans of a 22 year old co-ed theatre major as she recites the poetry of Edna St. Vincent Millay to the rhythm of each thrust.

"Look in Beverages" she breathed
and then she dropped down to her knees.
"Or you could take a look in Games."
She moaned, "cross-referenced," as she came.

But, and this is a big but, I am limited, in this instance, to what is available from the powers that be. Generous, wise, and knowing powers, admittedly, but limited. Powers such as these are unceasing in their quest to deliver the goods, thus getting the gander. So, unlike my band, which is another story we shall get to another time, they are taking requests. Follow the bouncing ball and vote. Vote with me my Brothers and Sisters. Vote.

Beginnings

2005-10-12T09:21:00.000-04:00

Effectively, the plan is this: Start the weblog with the limited resources available at the time. See if there is any way to make categories here. Set up the page I want as best as I'm able. And start keeping track. Keep track of everything I'm interested in. Liquor. Women. Smokes. Poker. definitely Poker. Fast Cars, perhaps. The occasional video game reference. Anyway, in an effort to do this I first need a blog to designate the space. It needs to be long enough to give me and idea of what I'm working with. It should contain a picture, so... there. And then hyperlink the picture to someplace interesting... done. I'd really like the ability to get a word to open a picture in it's own page so... there, for now. I'd like the page to open in a very specific way but I'll leave that for later. I want them to open up in their own window, too. Wonder what the code is for that... can't find it. Wait, just found it. Also, I'm getting impatient. Titles I found while I was looking, though. Wonder what can be edited? Looks like pretty much everything. All right, I'm ending this and going to play poker. Wait, one last thought, can I hyperlink the title? Yep. Had to come back and do it, though. Spellcheck. Done.